Esspots -

Satire

Markwayne Mullin Announces Sweeping Refugee Status Review In Minnesota’s Twin Cities

Markwayne Mullin takes a ticket from the dispenser and sits down to test a Minnesota immigration appointment system. The ticket says B17. The screen says C4. The desk sign says please wait here. It is a surprisingly thorough introduction to the day’s agenda. The workshop staff wants to make processing instructions easier to follow. Mullin […]

Satire

Fauci’s Pardon Comes Under Fire As Appeals Court Questions Authenticity Of Documents

Anthony Fauci expects a community discussion about paperwork to involve a few questions and an early finish. Then he sees the display table. It holds four versions of the same handout, three dictionaries, and a sign asking visitors not to rearrange the footnotes. The topic is how to talk sensibly about pardon documents and other […]

Satire

Electric Car Fire Destroys George Clooney’s Finger Lakes Estate, Couple Left With Nothing

George Clooney begins the garage makeover by asking one question: can an ordinary room be elegant without becoming difficult to use? Three presentations, two apps, and a folding chair later, the room is prepared to answer back. The new electric-car charger is supposed to make evenings easier. Pull in, plug in, walk inside. The first […]

Satire

John Thune Strips Mark Kelly Of Sensitive Senate Assignments After Clearance Loss

John Thune has a plan for a clearer Senate committee agenda. Mark Kelly has a plan for making its questions more useful. A conference room has twelve chairs, eleven working outlets, and a television remote that has apparently chosen a new career. All three factors will matter before the day is over. Their staff needs […]

Satire

Elon Musk Offers Nick Shirley Federal Resources To Investigate Ilhann Omar In Somali Medicaid Scandal

Elon Musk starts the meeting by proposing a complete redesign of public oversight reporting. Nick Shirley starts by asking where to put his coat. These are both reasonable questions, although only one can be answered without establishing a working group. The project is an independent video guide to Minnesota public spending reports. Shirley wants viewers […]

Satire

James Woods Names Matt Damon As His Favorite Hollywood Clash, “He’s A Clueless Woke Cultist”

Matt Damon suggests a friendly debate night to raise money for a neighborhood theater. James Woods agrees immediately, provided someone defines friendly, debate, night, and whether the theater has adequate parking. The planning meeting is already running late when the refreshments arrive. The proposed subject is whether actors should talk about politics while promoting a […]

Satire

Robert De Niro’s Penthouse Destroyed By Squatters He Let Stay For A Bargain Price

Robert De Niro has discovered that being generous with the wrong tenants can become an incredibly expensive mistake. The actor reportedly allowed a small group of struggling artists to stay in his New York penthouse for a month, charging them a fraction of what the luxury apartment would normally command. He thought he was giving […]

Satire

Alec Baldwin’s Night Out Takes An Unexpected Turn During Florida Prostitution Bust

Alec Baldwin reportedly found himself in the middle of a police operation in Pasco County, Florida, after deputies raided a strip club as part of an investigation into suspected prostitution. The actor was apparently inside the establishment when officers arrived, turning what he described as a brief night out into an incident that required an […]

Satire

Stephen Colbert’s Beach House Burns Down As Investigators Discover Permit Problems

Stephen Colbert’s expensive beach house in the Hamptons has been reduced to ruins, and investigators are now looking closely at the solar panels installed on its roof. The property was valued at nearly $20 million, making the destruction a major financial blow. But the circumstances surrounding the fire could make the situation even worse for […]

Satire

Alyssa Milano Ordered To Court After Miley Cyrus’s Maserati Is Wrecked In Hollywood

Alyssa Milano has found herself in an uncomfortable situation after a luxury Maserati belonging to Miley Cyrus was involved in a Hollywood crash. What makes the incident even more unusual is that the person allegedly driving the vehicle reportedly left the scene on foot. Witnesses told investigators that Milano was behind the wheel when the […]