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Satire

Todd Blanche Adds Hate Crime Charges Against Pair Accused Of Dumping Algae Into Reflecting Pool

The investigation into the alleged vandalism of the Lincoln Memorial’s Reflecting Pool has taken a dramatic turn, with Attorney General Todd Blanche reportedly announcing federal hate crime charges against two suspects accused of dumping algae into the water. The pair had already attracted attention after footage allegedly showed them carrying out the act at the […]

Satire

Colin Kaepernick Arrested After Dropping To One Knee And Pouring Substance Into Lincoln Memorial Pool

Colin Kaepernick’s latest appearance in Washington has ended with an arrest after authorities reportedly caught him pouring an unidentified substance into the Reflecting Pool at the Lincoln Memorial. The incident happened when Kaepernick allegedly walked toward the water, dropped to one knee, and emptied a small vial into the pool. Officers monitoring the area quickly […]

Satire

Debbie Wasserman Schultz Could Step Down As Alleged Staff Affair Comes To Light

Debbie Wasserman Schultz may soon be leaving Congress after an alleged relationship with a woman on her staff reportedly created a major crisis in her marriage. The Florida congresswoman is said to be dealing with the possibility of a divorce, and people familiar with the situation claim the relationship had been developing for several months. […]

Satire

Mark Kelly Suddenly Offers Resignation After Grand Jury Threat Over Seditious Six Video

Mark Kelly has made an unusual promise about his political future: if a grand jury indicts him over the “Seditious Six” video, he says he will resign rather than ask Arizona voters to deal with the fallout. The senator reportedly says he does not want his personal problems becoming a burden for the people he […]

Satire

Jim Jordan Wants Maxine Waters Out Of Congress After Months Away From House

Maxine Waters could be facing one of the most serious challenges of her congressional career after Jim Jordan called for the House to examine her continued absence and the use of proxy voting in her name. Jordan believes the situation has gone on long enough. According to the claims surrounding the controversy, Waters has not […]

Satire

John Fetterman Turns On Democrats After Lawmakers Cheer Lincoln Memorial Vandalism, “I’ve Never Been So Let Down”

John Fetterman is furious, and this time his frustration isn’t directed at Republicans. The Pennsylvania senator says watching the vandalism at the Lincoln Memorial’s Reflecting Pool was bad enough. Seeing some Democratic lawmakers appear to celebrate what happened was even worse. Fetterman reportedly described the reaction as one of the biggest disappointments he has experienced […]

Satire

Markwayne Mullin Announces Sweeping Refugee Status Review In Minnesota’s Twin Cities

Markwayne Mullin takes a ticket from the dispenser and sits down to test a Minnesota immigration appointment system. The ticket says B17. The screen says C4. The desk sign says please wait here. It is a surprisingly thorough introduction to the day’s agenda. The workshop staff wants to make processing instructions easier to follow. Mullin […]

Satire

Fauci’s Pardon Comes Under Fire As Appeals Court Questions Authenticity Of Documents

Anthony Fauci expects a community discussion about paperwork to involve a few questions and an early finish. Then he sees the display table. It holds four versions of the same handout, three dictionaries, and a sign asking visitors not to rearrange the footnotes. The topic is how to talk sensibly about pardon documents and other […]

Satire

Electric Car Fire Destroys George Clooney’s Finger Lakes Estate, Couple Left With Nothing

George Clooney begins the garage makeover by asking one question: can an ordinary room be elegant without becoming difficult to use? Three presentations, two apps, and a folding chair later, the room is prepared to answer back. The new electric-car charger is supposed to make evenings easier. Pull in, plug in, walk inside. The first […]

Satire

John Thune Strips Mark Kelly Of Sensitive Senate Assignments After Clearance Loss

John Thune has a plan for a clearer Senate committee agenda. Mark Kelly has a plan for making its questions more useful. A conference room has twelve chairs, eleven working outlets, and a television remote that has apparently chosen a new career. All three factors will matter before the day is over. Their staff needs […]