6 Patriots Vows To Leave The Team If They Sign Colin Kaepernick For The Superbowl Match, “He’s Woke”
You know, you cover professional sports long enough, you think you’ve developed an immunity to the absurd. You’ve seen dynasty-ending scandals, bizarre injuries involving household appliances, and multi-million-dollar press conferences that consist entirely of the word “grunt.” And then, a Tuesday like this happens. Here in New England, things are, for the first time in […]
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BREAKING: Elon Musk Just Donated $500 Million To LGBTQIA+ Community, “I Hope They Find A Cure”
You know, there are days when you wake up, check the news, and think, “Alright, the simulation is stable.” And then there are days when Elon Musk logs onto his own website. Yesterday was one of those days. In a move that has left the entire planet suffering from a collective case of ideological whiplash, […]
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Erika Kirk Turns Down Taylor Swift’s $60 Million Offer For Spot At All-American Halftime Show: “We Don’t Do Woke Here”
In a move that sent shockwaves through both Nashville and Hollywood, Erika Kirk — the widow of conservative firebrand Charlie Kirk and current head of Turning Point USA — has officially rejected a $60 million offer from Taylor Swift to perform a special segment during the upcoming All-American Halftime Show. Swift, who apparently wanted to […]
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Alyssa Milano Breaks Down On Platform X: “Nobody Hires Me Now”
In a stunning display of vulnerability — or possibly Wi-Fi boredom — actress and activist Alyssa Milano took to Platform X (formerly Twitter) this week to announce, through tears and perfectly arranged lighting, that “nobody hires me now.” The internet, naturally, responded with the compassion and nuance it is famous for: laughter, memes, and one […]
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Kid Rock Announces Emotional Tribute To Charlie Kirk At TPUSA’s All-American Halftime Show
The upcoming All-American Halftime Show, hosted by Turning Point USA, just got its most emotional twist yet: Kid Rock has announced he’ll perform a new song dedicated to the late Charlie Kirk, calling it “a tribute to the brother America lost too soon.” In a press release filled with guitars, beer-soaked tears, and freedom, Kid […]
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Michael Jordan Walks Away from Nike’s “Woke Circus,” Takes Air Jordans With Him, “I’m Done With Wokeness”
In a move that shook both Wall Street and the sneaker shelves of every teenager alive, basketball legend Michael Jordan has reportedly cut ties with Nike over what he calls their “woke marketing obsession.” According to insiders, Jordan left a board meeting earlier this week after one executive suggested that the next Air Jordan campaign […]
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The View Issues 6-Week Without Pay Suspension To Whoopi Goldberg, “Her Toxic Behaviour Ruined The Show”
After years of on-air tension, awkward silences, and eye rolls so intense they could cut glass, The View has finally done the unthinkable — suspending longtime co-host Whoopi Goldberg for six weeks without pay. The official reason, according to ABC executives: “Persistent negativity, unfiltered hostility, and an emotional climate best described as post-apocalyptic.” Unofficially? Sources […]
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Legend Clint Eastwood Shuts Down “Snarky” Alyssa Milano in Brutal X Takedown, “Grow Up, You’re 52”
The internet just witnessed the wildest generational clash since a boomer tried to explain a landline to a Gen Z barista. This time, it was Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood, 95 years old and still grumpier than a bear in a sleeping bag factory, taking aim at actress-turned-activist Alyssa Milano on X (formerly Twitter, formerly tolerable). […]
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Screen Actors Guild Throws Out Whoopi Goldberg for Her Extremist Views
In a move that’s left Hollywood gossip circles spinning, the Screen Actors Guild (SAG-AFTRA) has reportedly expelled Whoopi Goldberg from its membership ranks, citing “extremist tendencies, unprofessional conduct, and general unpleasantness.” The decision, which insiders describe as “long overdue,” marks the first time in decades that the Guild has kicked out a member for simply […]
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Gordon Ramsay Cancels Drag Event Mid-Performance In One Of His Restaurants, “Don’t Want This Woke Pride Crap”
It was supposed to be a calm, elegant evening at one of Gordon Ramsay’s flagship restaurants — white tablecloths, Michelin-starred perfection, and the occasional, well-timed insult from the chef himself. But the night turned into something else entirely when Ramsay allegedly burst into the dining room like a culinary thunderstorm and shut down a drag […]
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