You know, you cover professional sports long enough, you think you’ve developed an immunity to the absurd. You’ve seen dynasty-ending scandals, bizarre injuries involving household appliances, and multi-million-dollar press conferences that consist entirely of the word “grunt.”
And then, a Tuesday like this happens.
Here in New England, things are, for the first time in a while, looking good. The post-Belichick era is off to a roaring 6-2 start. Rookie quarterback Drake Maye looks like a franchise savior, and new head coach Mike Vrabel has the team playing tough, disciplined football. The vibes? They are, as the kids say, immaculate.
So, naturally, it was the perfect time for six players—who you’ve almost certainly never heard of—to manufacture a crisis out of thin air.
According to sources who must have been standing near the “easily alarmed” section of the locker room, a half-dozen Patriots have formed an unofficial coalition to threaten… something… if the team signs Colin Kaepernick.
Yes, Colin Kaepernick. The one who is 38 years old. The one who last took an NFL snap in January 2017. The one who is, for all intents and purposes, a publisher and activist, not an active quarterback.
The threat itself is wonderfully vague, ranging from “being really unhappy about it” to “strongly considering… you know… a walk-out.”
The reason for this preemptive mutiny against a signing that was never, ever going to happen? It wasn’t about his arm strength. It wasn’t about his 9-year layoff. It wasn’t about his fit in Josh McDaniels’ offense.
It was, according to one of the players (a backup-to-the-backup offensive lineman), because Kaepernick is “woke.”
“It’s a distraction we don’t need,” the player, who has played 14 total snaps this season (all on field goals), reportedly told a teammate. “We’re 6-2. We’re gelling. You bring a guy like that in, and suddenly what? We gotta talk about our feelings? He’s gonna be in the huddle asking Drake [Maye] for his pronouns? We can’t have critical race theory in the playbook, man. It’s too complicated.”
This, right here, is the moment we must all pause and appreciate the sheer, breathtaking stupidity of the situation.
First, the “Patriot Six” apparently believe that the front office, fresh off drafting a quarterback third overall who is now playing at a Pro Bowl level, is secretly planning to sign a 38-year-old as their Super Bowl savior. This is like owning a brand-new Ferrari and threatening to key it if your dad buys a 1998 Ford Taurus.
Second, there is the “woke” accusation itself, a word now so devoid of meaning it’s basically just a sound people make when they’re scared of a concept they can’t quite grasp, like magnetism or vegetables.
What do they think is going to happen? Does Kaepernick emit some kind of “woke” aura that saps the team’s ability to run the ball? Will he replace the Gatorade with oat milk lattes? Will he insist the “Patriot Way” be amended to include “acknowledging complex historical narratives”?
“It’s just… all that stuff, you know?” a special teams player, also in the group, tried to explain. “The kneeling. The… the social stuff. We’re a football team. We’re here to hit people and go home. I don’t want to have to think about oppression when I’m eating my pre-game meal. It messes with my digestion.”
The origin of this franchise-threatening rumor? A 78-year-old caller to a local sports radio show named “Sully from Revere,” who misheard a segment about “bringing in a vet” and started yelling about Kaepernick. The six players, who apparently use sports talk radio as their primary news source, took it as gospel.
When Head Coach Mike Vrabel was asked about the “rumor” and the subsequent “threat” from his six anonymous players, he simply stared at the reporter for a solid 15 seconds. It was the kind of silence that makes you check if you’ve been set on fire.
“We are 6-and-2,” Vrabel finally said, his voice a low growl. “Our quarterback is Drake Maye. Our backup is Jacoby Brissett. I am coaching the men in that locker room. I am not, and will never be, coaching a message board. Next.”
The actual stars of the team were, to put it mildly, perplexed.
“Wait, what?” said one Pro Bowl defensive lineman, laughing. “Are they talking about Colin? From… like… 2016? Bro, I’m worried about the Saints’ offensive line. I am not worried about a dude who’s not here. If those guys are that scared of a ‘distraction,’ wait until they see a playoff crowd. Some people will find any excuse to be weird, man.”
As the day wore on, the “Patriot Six” reportedly retreated, claiming they had been “misunderstood” and that they were “just trying to protect the team’s focus.”
But the damage was done. They had revealed themselves as the only players in the NFL who were not only afraid of a ghost, but afraid of a woke ghost. It’s a bold new frontier in athletic paranoia.
The Patriots will now continue their season, somehow shouldering the terrible burden of being 6-2, all while their six bravest backups stand guard, ever-vigilant, protecting the locker room from the terrifying, non-existent threat of a 38-year-old quarterback and his opinions.
