In what media historians are already calling “the most dramatic corporate overreaction since New Coke,” ABC has permanently removed Jimmy Kimmel from the airwaves after the late-night host dared to make the gravest mistake in American broadcast history: suggesting that Charlie Kirk was not, in fact, a celestial being made of truth, patriotism, and founding father pheromones.
The network, which is apparently now headquartered inside a panic room beneath Disney World, released a statement Wednesday night confirming that Jimmy Kimmel Live! would be “pre-empted indefinitely,” and that Kimmel himself was being sentenced to “life without television.”
“The remarks made by Mr. Kimmel were insensitive, inflammatory, and worst of all, not approved by the Department of Patriotism,” said an ABC spokesperson, standing next to a portrait of Charlie Kirk backlit by fireworks. “In these trying times, when America is hanging by the thread of one man’s Twitter legacy, we must protect the sanctity of our national icons.”
The Federal Communications Commission, not usually known for drama unless someone swears during a halftime show, weighed in with unusual speed and an even more unusual level of sass.
FCC Chair Brendan Carr, whose job description has recently been updated to include “chief emotional regulator,” told conservative podcaster Benny Johnson that Kimmel’s comments were “truly sick” and that ABC was “on thin constitutional ice.”
“This isn’t just about free speech,” Carr said, adjusting his Uncle Sam lapel pin. “It’s about free speech we like. Which is a very different thing.”
He went on to suggest that if Disney didn’t act against Kimmel, the FCC might be forced to do something terrifying: hold a hearing. Possibly even send an email.
Nexstar Media Group, whose business model consists of buying things and panicking, quickly preempted the show on all its ABC affiliates.
“We are proud to announce that Jimmy Kimmel Live! has been replaced by a far more appropriate program,” said Nexstar executive Andrew Alford. “It’s called Charlie Vision: A Night of Remembering Charlie, and it runs nightly from 11:30 p.m. to sunrise, followed by a respectful silence until noon.”
Sources confirm that the show’s opening credits feature a slow-motion montage of Charlie Kirk giving speeches, shaking hands with bald eagles, and holding a Constitution that glows.
As expected, Donald Trump took to his favorite platform, Truth Social, to celebrate the downfall of his arch-nemesis.
“Jimmy Kimmel is a DISGRACE to comedy, AMERICA, and pants. The show was canceled because nobody watched it — not because I called six times. Sad, boring loser. NBC: YOU’RE NEXT!”
Meanwhile, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer tweeted a rare bipartisan sentiment: that banning a comedian for making a joke sets “a dangerous precedent, unless it’s Tucker Carlson, in which case, proceed.”
The White House’s X (formerly Twitter, currently spiraling) account weighed in with its typical nuance and civility:
“Jimmy is canceled. Charlie is canonized. Welcome to 2025.”
The public’s response has ranged from “Kimmel deserved it!” to “Wait, who’s Charlie Kirk?” to “Is The Bear back yet?”
Conservative influencers have praised ABC for “finally taking a stand against humor,” with some calling for the removal of all remaining comedians unless they can prove they’ve voted Republican in the last three elections and passed a Ben Shapiro logic test.
Liberals, meanwhile, are split between defending Kimmel’s free speech rights and privately admitting they haven’t watched his show since 2016 when he cried over a national tragedy and reminded everyone that late-night TV is actually really sad now.
In the hours following the decision, Charlie Kirk’s status has been upgraded from “conservative commentator” to “living legend to possibly actual god,” depending on your cable provider.
There are unconfirmed reports that Disney is planning a new ride called Charlie Kirk’s Freedom Coaster, where guests ride a red-white-and-blue roller coaster through reenactments of Kirk’s tweets.
The Vatican has not commented, but sources close to the Pope say a beatification may be “on the table.”
According to inside sources, Kimmel has not been formally fired. He has instead been placed on what Disney calls a “non-airable indefinite unpaid spontaneous hiatus.”
He has reportedly been asked to reflect, apologize, and possibly retrain at a Mickey Mouse-led “Patriotism Refresher Boot Camp,” where he’ll be required to watch 40 hours of Tucker Carlson monologues and re-enact 1776 using sock puppets.
His future in television remains uncertain, though there are rumors Netflix has already greenlit a special titled Cancelled: The Jimmy Kimmel Redemption Tour, where he interviews other cancelled celebrities from a truck stop in Ohio.
Kimmel himself released a brief statement via smoke signal:
“I thought comedy was still legal. Guess I should’ve just stuck to Carpool Karaoke.”
As America recovers from the emotional earthquake of one late-night host making one remark about one activist, media experts are warning that this is just the beginning.
“I predict a future where all comedians are required to submit monologues to the FCC, the RNC, and the local PTA before broadcast,” said one analyst. “Humor will be safe, wholesome, and primarily involve refrigerator jokes.”
Meanwhile, ABC has promised that future late-night programming will include “less political content, more American values, and a mandatory five-minute prayer to Charlie Kirk.”
God bless the United States of America. And also, apparently, Charlie.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
