International Olympic Committee Bans Paris From Hosting Future Games: “They Went Too Far With Wokeness and Satanism”
In a shocking yet somehow inevitable turn of events, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced that Paris will be permanently banned from hosting future Olympic Games following the controversial opening ceremony of the 2024 Olympics. Citing a combination of “wokeness” and “satanic themes,” the IOC declared that the City of Light had crossed a […]
Read More
Following Chiefs, Steelers Also Announce Boycott of Pride Nights: “It’s Purely Woke and Satanic”
In a shocking move that has sent fans, critics, and even Satanists into a tailspin, the Pittsburgh Steelers have announced their official boycott of Pride Nights, citing concerns over what they call the “woke and satanic” nature of the events. The announcement comes hot on the heels of a similar statement by the Kansas City […]
Read More
NFL Issues Permanent Ban on ‘Black National Anthem’: “There’s Only One National Anthem”
In a move that has sent shockwaves across stadiums and social media feeds, the NFL has reportedly banned the performance of “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” commonly referred to as the Black national anthem, at all future games. According to insiders, this decision comes after several seasons of quietly weaving the song into pre-game ceremonies […]
Read More
Tim Walz Is Thinking of Moving to China: “Maybe I should just move to China, Seems like I’d fit right in over there”
In a stunning twist that’s sending shockwaves through both political circles and fortune cookie manufacturers, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz has reportedly announced he’s considering a move to China. Yes, you read that right. In the midst of the 2024 election cycle, the governor of the land of 10,000 lakes is apparently […]
Read More
It’s Official: Texas Declares Bringing a Pride Flag to the Classroom a Crime
In a move that’s sure to send shockwaves through classrooms and craft supply stores alike, Texas has officially passed a law making it a crime to bring a Pride flag to school. Yes, you heard that right—a crime. As in, “break out the handcuffs and call the sheriff, we’ve got a rainbow situation in Room […]
Read More
Mark Wahlberg Rejects Disney’s $2 Billion Project: “No Chance I’ll Work With Them Again, Don’t Need That Wokeness in My Life”
In a shocking and self-assured move, Hollywood superstar Mark Wahlberg has turned down a $2 billion offer from Disney to star in its latest blockbuster project, citing a staunch refusal to be associated with the company’s growing “wokeness.” “I’m done. No chance I’ll work with them again. I don’t need that wokeness in my life,” […]
Read More
New England Patriots Coach Makes It Absolutely Clear, ‘There Won’t Be Any Anthem Kneeling in the Upcoming Match’
In a move that has stirred up both cheers and controversy, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has reportedly made it clear to his players that kneeling during the national anthem will not be tolerated in the upcoming game. The declaration, delivered in his signature gruff manner, has sent shockwaves through the NFL community, […]
Read More
Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Reveals A Loss of $1 Billion Since Going Woke: “We’re Sorry, Won’t Try That Again”
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through the fast-food industry, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted that the company has suffered a staggering $1 billion loss after what he described as their ill-fated foray into “woke” politics. The confession, made during a hastily organized press conference outside the company’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, […]
Read More
Tim Walz Is Thinking of Leaving the Country Permanently: “I’ve Lost It”
In what may be the most unexpected twist in a 2024 election season already filled with plenty of surprises, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is reportedly considering leaving the country for good. Yes, you read that correctly: Walz, the man who has spent his entire career advocating for the people of Minnesota, […]
Read More
Shaq Throws Tim Walz Out of His Restaurant: “Don’t Come Back Here, You’re a Disappointment”
In what can only be described as a cross between a reality TV show and a political roast, NBA legend and restaurateur Shaquille O’Neal reportedly threw Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz out of his Atlanta restaurant, Big Chicken, with the booming declaration, “Don’t come back here, you’re a disappointment!” The incident, which […]
Read More