Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Reveals A Loss of $1 Billion Since Going Woke: “We’re Sorry, Won’t Try That Again”
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through the fast-food industry, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted that the company has suffered a staggering $1 billion loss after what he described as their ill-fated foray into “woke” politics. The confession, made during a hastily organized press conference outside the company’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, […]
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Tim Walz Is Thinking of Leaving the Country Permanently: “I’ve Lost It”
In what may be the most unexpected twist in a 2024 election season already filled with plenty of surprises, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is reportedly considering leaving the country for good. Yes, you read that correctly: Walz, the man who has spent his entire career advocating for the people of Minnesota, […]
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Shaq Throws Tim Walz Out of His Restaurant: “Don’t Come Back Here, You’re a Disappointment”
In what can only be described as a cross between a reality TV show and a political roast, NBA legend and restaurateur Shaquille O’Neal reportedly threw Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz out of his Atlanta restaurant, Big Chicken, with the booming declaration, “Don’t come back here, you’re a disappointment!” The incident, which […]
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Breaking: NFL Committee Disqualifies 7 Players For Anthem Kneeling At The Opening Ceremony, “It’s a New Season Free From Kneeling Wokeness”
In an unprecedented display of zero tolerance for “wokeness,” the NFL kicked off its new season by disqualifying seven players for the egregious offense of kneeling during the national anthem. Yes, you read that right. While millions tuned in to watch the NFL’s season-opening ceremony, a small group of players dared to take a knee, […]
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Breaking: Tim Walz’s Own Family Disown Him, “We Don’t Support This Woke Creep”
In a development that could only be described as the stuff of Shakespearean tragedy (or perhaps a daytime soap opera), Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz has found himself disowned by some of his very own relatives. The reason? They don’t much care for his “woke” political ideology or his campaign for the […]
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Dennis Quaid’s Reagan Becomes the #1 Movie in the Whole World Despite Being Banned from Liberal Hollywood
In a plot twist that not even Hollywood screenwriters could have predicted, Dennis Quaid’s Reagan has soared to the top of the global box office, becoming the #1 movie in the world despite being largely ignored, criticized, and in some cases, unofficially banned by what many are calling “Liberal Hollywood.” It seems the tale of […]
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Kansas City Chiefs Refuse to Host a Pride Night, “It’s Woke Agenda”
In what has quickly become one of the most controversial off-field decisions of the season, the Kansas City Chiefs announced that they would not be hosting a Pride Night event at Arrowhead Stadium, citing concerns over what they refer to as the “woke agenda.” This unexpected move has sent shockwaves through the NFL, dividing fans […]
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Texas Permanently Bans Pride Flags From Classrooms, “The Only Flag Allowed In Any Classroom Should Be The American Stars And Stripes”
In a move that is sure to ignite debates across the country, the state of Texas has announced a groundbreaking decision: Pride flags are permanently banned from all classrooms, and the only flag allowed will be the revered American Stars and Stripes. The announcement, made during a press conference by Texas Governor Greg Abbott, was […]
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Elon Musk Says: “Pride Flags Should Be Banned from Classrooms, Permanently!”
In a move that sent shockwaves through social media and the education sector alike, Elon Musk has ignited a fresh firestorm of controversy, declaring that Pride flags should be permanently banned from classrooms. In a tweet that rapidly went viral, the SpaceX CEO, Tesla founder, and Twitter’s own self-proclaimed “Chief Twit” wrote, “Pride flags should […]
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Elon Musk To Fund New Anti-Woke Show Featuring Tucker Carlson: “We Need More Journalists Like Tucker Carlson And Less Like Rachel Maddow!”
In a surprising but somehow inevitable turn of events, tech mogul Elon Musk has announced plans to fund a brand new anti-woke show starring none other than the fiery conservative pundit, Tucker Carlson. The show, tentatively titled Truth Unleashed, promises to be a hard-hitting exposé of everything wrong with “woke culture,” left-wing media, and, of […]
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