It’s Official: Texas Declares Bringing a Pride Flag to the Classroom a Crime
In a move that’s sure to send shockwaves through classrooms and craft supply stores alike, Texas has officially passed a law making it a crime to bring a Pride flag to school. Yes, you heard that right—a crime. As in, “break out the handcuffs and call the sheriff, we’ve got a rainbow situation in Room […]
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Mark Wahlberg Rejects Disney’s $2 Billion Project: “No Chance I’ll Work With Them Again, Don’t Need That Wokeness in My Life”
In a shocking and self-assured move, Hollywood superstar Mark Wahlberg has turned down a $2 billion offer from Disney to star in its latest blockbuster project, citing a staunch refusal to be associated with the company’s growing “wokeness.” “I’m done. No chance I’ll work with them again. I don’t need that wokeness in my life,” […]
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New England Patriots Coach Makes It Absolutely Clear, ‘There Won’t Be Any Anthem Kneeling in the Upcoming Match’
In a move that has stirred up both cheers and controversy, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has reportedly made it clear to his players that kneeling during the national anthem will not be tolerated in the upcoming game. The declaration, delivered in his signature gruff manner, has sent shockwaves through the NFL community, […]
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Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Reveals A Loss of $1 Billion Since Going Woke: “We’re Sorry, Won’t Try That Again”
In a shocking revelation that has sent tremors through the fast-food industry, Dunkin’ Donuts CEO Dave Hoffmann has admitted that the company has suffered a staggering $1 billion loss after what he described as their ill-fated foray into “woke” politics. The confession, made during a hastily organized press conference outside the company’s Canton, Massachusetts headquarters, […]
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Tim Walz Is Thinking of Leaving the Country Permanently: “I’ve Lost It”
In what may be the most unexpected twist in a 2024 election season already filled with plenty of surprises, Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz is reportedly considering leaving the country for good. Yes, you read that correctly: Walz, the man who has spent his entire career advocating for the people of Minnesota, […]
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Shaq Throws Tim Walz Out of His Restaurant: “Don’t Come Back Here, You’re a Disappointment”
In what can only be described as a cross between a reality TV show and a political roast, NBA legend and restaurateur Shaquille O’Neal reportedly threw Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz out of his Atlanta restaurant, Big Chicken, with the booming declaration, “Don’t come back here, you’re a disappointment!” The incident, which […]
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Breaking: NFL Committee Disqualifies 7 Players For Anthem Kneeling At The Opening Ceremony, “It’s a New Season Free From Kneeling Wokeness”
In an unprecedented display of zero tolerance for “wokeness,” the NFL kicked off its new season by disqualifying seven players for the egregious offense of kneeling during the national anthem. Yes, you read that right. While millions tuned in to watch the NFL’s season-opening ceremony, a small group of players dared to take a knee, […]
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Breaking: Tim Walz’s Own Family Disown Him, “We Don’t Support This Woke Creep”
In a development that could only be described as the stuff of Shakespearean tragedy (or perhaps a daytime soap opera), Minnesota Governor and Democratic vice-presidential nominee Tim Walz has found himself disowned by some of his very own relatives. The reason? They don’t much care for his “woke” political ideology or his campaign for the […]
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Dennis Quaid’s Reagan Becomes the #1 Movie in the Whole World Despite Being Banned from Liberal Hollywood
In a plot twist that not even Hollywood screenwriters could have predicted, Dennis Quaid’s Reagan has soared to the top of the global box office, becoming the #1 movie in the world despite being largely ignored, criticized, and in some cases, unofficially banned by what many are calling “Liberal Hollywood.” It seems the tale of […]
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Kansas City Chiefs Refuse to Host a Pride Night, “It’s Woke Agenda”
In what has quickly become one of the most controversial off-field decisions of the season, the Kansas City Chiefs announced that they would not be hosting a Pride Night event at Arrowhead Stadium, citing concerns over what they refer to as the “woke agenda.” This unexpected move has sent shockwaves through the NFL, dividing fans […]
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