In a late-night operation that can only be described as equal parts confusion and comedy, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents arrested Puerto Rican megastar Bad Bunny outside a recording studio in Miami, proudly announcing to cameras, “We will deport him first thing in the morning.”
The announcement, which instantly broke the internet, left millions of fans asking the obvious question: Deport him where?
Puerto Rico, for those new to geography or American history, is a U.S. territory — meaning Bad Bunny is, in fact, already a U.S. citizen. But that minor detail apparently did not make it into the agency’s PowerPoint slides before the raid.
According to an ICE spokesperson, the agency received an “anonymous tip” that an “international celebrity” was “living in the U.S. without proper documentation.” The tip, it turns out, came from a user named @RealAmericanEagle420 who attached a screenshot of a Bad Bunny lyric written in Spanish and captioned it “suspicious.”
The agents, not known for their linguistic flexibility, reportedly spent two hours translating the song “Tití Me Preguntó” using Google Translate before concluding it was “evidence of potential foreign influence.”
The timing of the arrest couldn’t have been worse — or, depending on who you ask, better. Bad Bunny had just been confirmed as the next Super Bowl halftime show performer, a fact that somehow escaped the attention of the federal government.
“We were not aware of any football game,” said one ICE officer during a press conference, “but if it helps, we’d be open to rescheduling the deportation for after the halftime show. We’re not monsters.”
The NFL immediately entered crisis mode. League Commissioner Roger Goodell reportedly spent the entire night in a Zoom meeting with lawyers, agents, and someone from marketing who kept suggesting “maybe we lean into it.” Backup plans included holograms, Pitbull, or “a tasteful tribute slideshow with slow reggaeton beats.”
Meanwhile, the hashtag #FreeBadBunny began trending globally, followed closely by #DeportICEInstead and #WeWillDeportYouFirstThingInTheMorning, the latter of which has since become the unofficial slogan of government overreach.
When pressed by journalists about how such an obvious mistake could happen, ICE Director Harold P. Blevins said, “Our records show he was born in another country — Puerto Rico.”
When a reporter pointed out that Puerto Rico is part of the United States, Blevins paused, blinked, and responded, “Well… it’s complicated.”
Pressed further, he elaborated, “Look, we can’t keep track of every tiny island America owns. There are too many. Some have coconuts, some have passports. It’s confusing.”
He then asked the media to “please be patient” as the agency “updates its internal maps.”
Behind the scenes, chaos erupted within the Department of Homeland Security as aides scrambled to explain to their bosses that Puerto Ricans have been U.S. citizens since 1917. One staffer reportedly Googled “Can you deport someone from America to America?” before resigning.
Bad Bunny, ever the professional, took the ordeal in stride. Wearing a silk tracksuit and dark shades, he smiled at reporters as he was escorted out in handcuffs. “If ICE wants a concert, they should’ve just asked,” he quipped. “But tell them I only perform after midnight.”
Later, through his publicist, he released a short statement that read:
“I can’t be deported. But if they insist, I hope they send me somewhere warm and tax-free.”
He also announced that his next single, “First Thing in the Morning,” would drop this Friday — a playful reference to ICE’s statement and a jab at bureaucratic incompetence. Within an hour, the single cover art — featuring Bad Bunny boarding a government plane while holding a mic — was already circulating online.
Congress reacted with predictable confusion and performative outrage. Lawmakers from both sides of the aisle called for an investigation, though none seemed entirely clear on what to investigate. One senator declared, “This is an attack on music,” while another vowed to “make geography great again.”
Legal analysts, meanwhile, spent the morning explaining — patiently, and with visible pain — that Puerto Ricans cannot legally be deported. “You can’t deport a U.S. citizen any more than you can evict your own reflection,” said immigration attorney Sandra Morales. “This is like trying to deport Texas.”
Late-night comedy hosts, sensing blood in the bureaucratic water, pounced. One joked, “ICE just tried to deport someone who could headline Coachella, and honestly, that’s the most American thing ever.” Another added, “They thought Puerto Rico was foreign — next week they’ll raid Hawaii.”
Fans around the world staged mock protests and flash mobs, dancing in airports with cardboard signs reading “NO HUMAN IS ILLEGAL — ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE HEADLINING THE SUPER BOWL.” Others began selling T-shirts that said ‘DEPORTED AT DAWN, BACK BY HALF-TIME’, which sold out within hours.
An online petition titled “Educate ICE About Geography” reached half a million signatures in less than a day. Meanwhile, Puerto Rican officials released a joint statement expressing both disbelief and mild amusement: “We appreciate the attention, but please — let our people sing in peace.”
By morning, as reporters camped outside headquarters, ICE attempted to walk back the entire debacle. In a new statement, the agency said the arrest was “a misunderstanding,” caused by “an outdated database and a training PowerPoint from 1983.”
“We sincerely apologize for the confusion,” the statement read. “We now recognize that Puerto Rico is, in fact, part of the United States. We are updating our maps accordingly.”
As a gesture of goodwill, the agency reportedly offered Bad Bunny a formal apology — and complimentary TSA PreCheck.
When asked if he would still perform at the Super Bowl, Bad Bunny replied, “Of course. But this time, I’m bringing my birth certificate on stage. Just in case.”
By the following day, the incident had inspired memes, remixes, protest art, and even a classroom lesson titled “Geography for Federal Employees.” Politicians moved on, the internet moved faster, and ICE quietly filed the event under “Public Relations Challenges — Ongoing.”
Meanwhile, the rapper’s management confirmed his Super Bowl performance was still on — now with the unofficial theme “Undeportable.”
Stage designers reportedly began incorporating airport imagery, flashing “ENTRY DENIED” signs, and a giant inflatable ICE agent who moonwalks off stage during the finale.
As one fan put it on X (formerly Twitter):
“They tried to deport him. Instead, they gave him the greatest PR campaign in music history.”
In the end, the world got exactly what it wanted — a new meme, a better halftime show, and another reminder that bureaucracy will always find new ways to surprise us.
Bad Bunny was released within hours, with ICE promising “to review its procedures.” Translation: they’ll probably just add a new bullet point to the PowerPoint — “Puerto Rico: Not Foreign.”
And when the halftime show finally arrives, don’t be surprised if he opens with a smirk and the words:
“Good morning, America. Guess who didn’t get deported?”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
