In a move that has simultaneously stunned, confused, and delighted different corners of the nation, Congress has passed a bipartisan bill to rename New York City’s Times Square after the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk. Effective immediately, the iconic tourist hub will officially be known as **“Charlie Kirk Square.”**
The measure, introduced late Friday, passed the House 376–59 and sailed through the Senate with minimal resistance. President Trump, reportedly signing the bill with what aides described as “the most patriotic Sharpie stroke in American history,” declared: *“From this day forward, America’s beating heart will carry Charlie’s name.”*
Times Square, long synonymous with Broadway lights, tourist chaos, and questionable Elmo costumes, will undergo a rapid transformation. The neon ads that once sold musicals and soda will now display nonstop footage of Kirk’s speeches, Turning Point USA highlight reels, and inspirational slogans like **“Truth Never Dies”** and **“One Nation, One Kirk.”**
The New Year’s Eve ball drop will also be replaced. Instead of a glowing crystal sphere, officials confirmed a **giant bronze eagle clutching a pocket-sized Constitution** will descend at midnight, while Kid Rock performs a medley from his new tribute album.
Reactions among visitors were mixed.
“I came here to see The Lion King,” said Jennifer Moore, a tourist from Ohio. “Now I’m watching Tucker Carlson narrate Charlie Kirk’s greatest moments on a 90-foot screen. Honestly, it’s kind of unsettling.”
But others embraced the shift. “It’s about time Times Square stopped selling Broadway tickets and started selling freedom,” declared Texan trucker Hank Morrison, proudly wearing his **“We Are Charlie”** t-shirt.
Democrats appeared split on the decision. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whose district includes part of Times Square, initially opposed the renaming. However, after visiting the Kirk tribute exhibit, she admitted, “The animatronic Charlie at the Olive Garden corner is… surprisingly lifelike.”
Sen. Chuck Schumer, meanwhile, struck a pragmatic tone. “If Congress can rename post offices after mayors nobody remembers, I suppose Times Square can carry Charlie Kirk’s name. Besides, it gets me out of another infrastructure fight.”
The announcement sent shockwaves worldwide.
London officials quickly offered to rename Piccadilly Circus “Charlie Kirk Circle,” while Paris debated whether to rebrand the Eiffel Tower’s base plaza “Place de Charlie.” Chinese state media, however, mocked the U.S. for “idolizing a man who never even made TikTok Top 100.”
Elon Musk, never one to miss an opportunity for disruption, tweeted: *“Every Tesla charging station will now feature a hologram of Charlie reading the Bill of Rights. Power your car, power your freedom.”*
Not everyone is thrilled. New York City theater producers fear the rebrand will turn Broadway into what one insider called “a 24/7 Turning Point rally with worse dancing.”
Jimmy Kimmel, still reeling from multiple suspensions over comments about Kirk, mocked the move: *“Renaming Times Square after Charlie Kirk is like renaming Disneyland after the guy who hands out parking tickets there.”* He was promptly booed by half his studio audience and cut to commercial.
Supporters argue the renaming is a fitting tribute to a man they see as more than an activist — but a cultural icon. “Charlie Kirk wasn’t just a voice,” said Vice President JD Vance during a press briefing. “He was the voice. And now his voice echoes over the honking horns and confused tourists of midtown Manhattan.”
Erika Kirk, Charlie’s widow, expressed gratitude. “Charlie loved New York. Okay, he mostly complained about the taxes. But deep down, he loved the idea that Times Square was the crossroad of America. Now, it’s the crossroad of Charlie.”
The dedication ceremony is scheduled for December, with an expected attendance of over one million people. Organizers plan to unveil a 50-foot statue of Charlie Kirk in the center of the square, flanked by two bald eagles and a continuous flame labeled **“The Spirit of Freedom.”**
Critics warn the statue’s design — Kirk pointing dramatically toward the M&M’s store — may not age well. But for now, supporters see it as a fitting symbol.
As the nation digests this unprecedented renaming, one thing is clear: Times Square may never be the same. Whether you call it absurd political theater or the dawn of a new patriotic era, America’s busiest intersection now belongs to Charlie Kirk.
Or as one new billboard proclaims, **“Forever Kirk, Forever America.”**
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
