In a move that experts are already calling “the most Uncle Sam thing since apple pie with bacon,” the NFL has officially replaced Bad Bunny as the upcoming Super Bowl halftime performer with Carrie Underwood and Kid Rock — a pairing so aggressively American that bald eagles reportedly began reproducing out of sheer patriotism.
The league issued a statement early Tuesday morning, saying it wanted to “return to the values that made football great — beer, country music, and shouting ‘Hell yeah!’ at appropriate intervals.”
Bad Bunny, the global Latin sensation originally set to headline the show, was reportedly “blindsided” by the decision. His team learned of the change when an intern saw Carrie Underwood trending with the hashtag #MakeHalftimeCountryAgain.
“We Needed Something Whiter Than the Field Lines,” Says NFL Source
According to inside sources, the shift came after several NFL board members attended a Bad Bunny rehearsal and left “visibly confused and emotionally unsafe.”
One executive reportedly whispered, “Is he singing or summoning something?” while another quietly Googled, ‘what is perreo?’
The final straw came when an early promo video featuring Bad Bunny in metallic pants, surrounded by dancers waving LED machetes, was accidentally played during a Texas focus group. The footage reportedly caused 12 spontaneous pearl-clutchings and one fainting.
“We realized our audience doesn’t want reggaeton,” said one unnamed NFL staffer. “They want guitars, God, and maybe a truck that can pull a house.”
Carrie & Kid: A Match Made in Walmart
The replacement duo — Carrie Underwood, queen of Sunday Night Football anthems, and Kid Rock, the human equivalent of a Monster Energy drink — were confirmed within hours of Bad Bunny’s removal.
“This is the halftime show America needs,” declared NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “Carrie represents our wholesome spirit, and Kid Rock represents the part of us that gets kicked out of Applebee’s but still thinks we won.”
Rehearsals are already underway. According to leaks, the setlist includes:
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Jesus, Take the Wheel (and the Shotgun)
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Bawitdaba (Church Revival Remix)
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Cowboy (God Bless Edition)
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and a new duet titled Stars, Bars & Broken Guitars.
Stage plans reportedly feature a giant beer can rising from midfield, confetti shaped like miniature American flags, and a mechanical bull named “Freedom.”
“Expect fireworks,” said one producer, “both literal and ideological.”
Bad Bunny Fans Declare “War of the Worlds”
Meanwhile, Bad Bunny’s fans — known for their loyalty, style, and willingness to translate his lyrics for confused parents — are furious.
The hashtag #JusticeForBenito trended within hours, with users accusing the NFL of cultural regression. One viral post read:
“You replaced a global icon with a man who once rhymed ‘thing’ with ‘thing.’ Make it make sense.”
Others called it “a slap in the face to diversity,” noting that Bad Bunny’s planned show would have featured bilingual choreography, a message of unity, and possibly a giant inflatable earth — whereas the new lineup will feature “two people who think Spotify Premium is liberal propaganda.”
In response, an NFL spokesperson insisted the change was not political, stating:
“We love Bad Bunny. We just also love our core demographic — people named Randy who start Facebook comments with ‘As a veteran…’”
Kid Rock’s Triumphant Return to Yelling
For Kid Rock, this marks his first major network appearance since his 2022 rant about “snowflake culture” that ended with him firing a shotgun at a stack of Bud Light cans.
Speaking from his Nashville bar, Rock told reporters,
“I’m honored to bring America back to the halftime show. We’re going to make it loud, proud, and mildly offensive — the way God intended.”
When asked if he planned to tone down his political messaging, Rock clarified:
“I’ll be respectful. I might just wave the flag a little harder than usual.”
Carrie Underwood, ever the professional, said she’s “thrilled to bring people together through music — even if that music includes someone who rhymes ‘barbecue’ with ‘liberty.’”
She added, “It’s all about unity. And rhinestones. Mostly rhinestones.”
Political America Loses Its Mind (Again)
The announcement immediately polarized the internet — because of course it did.
Conservative outlets hailed it as “a victory for common sense and cowboy boots,” while progressive circles called it “a national step backward into 2005.”
Fox News called the decision “a win for the heartland.” MSNBC labeled it “the halftime show equivalent of a Cracker Barrel gift card.”
Meanwhile, Elon Musk posted simply: “Carrie + Kid > Benito. Let freedom algorithm.”
The Halftime Show Theme: “Faith, Fireworks & Ford”
Production insiders say the performance will revolve around “classic American imagery,” including a light show shaped like an eagle, a massive cross that turns into an electric guitar, and a final scene where Carrie and Kid ride off on matching ATVs.
An early storyboard reportedly included a segment where Kid Rock wrestles an animatronic coyote representing “cancel culture,” but the idea was scrapped after PETA called it “weirdly plausible.”
Carrie is set to handle the “heartfelt” portion of the show with a medley honoring “hard work, heartbreak, and horsepower.”
To close, Kid Rock will deliver an emotional tribute to “everyone who’s ever been told to turn it down.” Fireworks will explode in the shape of a middle finger.
Global Fans Left Out — But Budweiser’s Delighted
While international fans expressed disappointment, American beer companies couldn’t be happier. Budweiser, Coors, and Jack Daniel’s all released celebratory statements praising the NFL’s “bold return to its roots.”
In contrast, a Puerto Rican newspaper’s headline read simply: “America’s Music Taste: Lost and Found at a Truck Stop.”
Bad Bunny himself has remained mostly silent, posting only a cryptic Instagram story showing him sipping a cocktail on a beach with the caption: “La cultura no se reemplaza.” (“Culture cannot be replaced.”)
The Final Word: Stars, Stripes, and Secondhand Embarrassment
For all the controversy, one thing is certain — this year’s halftime show will be unforgettable, whether for the music, the memes, or the collective confusion of 80,000 people trying to sing along to Bawitdaba.
As one NFL insider summed it up perfectly:
“Look, last year we had dancers in glitter. This year, we’ll have denim jackets and fireworks. Balance.”
So get ready, America. Super Bowl LX is shaping up to be a full-throttle, God-bless-the-USA spectacle — equal parts concert, cultural statement, and accidental parody.
Or, as Kid Rock himself reportedly shouted during rehearsal:
“LET’S MAKE FOOTBALL GREAT AGAIN, BABY!”
