In a move that shocked both Wall Street and Sunday school prayer groups, billionaire Elon Musk announced he is donating $10 million to fund Charlie Kirk’s memorial service. The Tesla and SpaceX CEO described Kirk as “my best friend, my spiritual co-pilot, and the closest thing conservatives had to a youth pastor with a podcast.”
The announcement came not in a solemn press release, but during a live-streamed Tesla Cybertruck demo, where Musk parked the vehicle on stage, pulled out a microphone, and declared:
“Charlie Kirk was the best of America. And also, I’m launching his funeral into the stratosphere — literally.”
Rather than the quiet dignity of a traditional service, Musk unveiled the event like one of his tech rollouts. A massive screen behind him displayed bullet points such as:
The audience, a mix of Tesla investors, confused Turning Point USA interns, and a guy in a full MAGA cowboy hat, applauded as though Musk had just invented the concept of death itself.
“Some people say you can’t make funerals fun,” Musk said with a smirk. “Those people are wrong. Very wrong.”
Musk confirmed that the $10 million won’t go toward flowers, hymns, or even Kleenex. Instead, the funds are earmarked for innovations “never before seen at a human memorial.” Among the highlights:
The Tesla Hearse 2.0 — a solar-powered coffin carrier that self-drives but may occasionally crash into mailboxes if left unsupervised.
Hologram Charlie 3000 — an AI-generated Kirk that delivers new speeches, generated live, so he can continue owning the libs even from beyond the grave. (Beta testers say the hologram sometimes glitches, accidentally shouting “Elon 2028!” instead.)
The Starlink Sky Screen — satellites will project Charlie’s face into the night sky above Utah, ensuring that everyone from Orem to Omaha can see him scowling at liberal arts majors.
Rocket Salute — instead of a 21-gun salute, 21 SpaceX rockets will launch at once, blasting Toby Keith songs as they streak across the sky.
Erika Kirk: Caught Between Mourning and Marketing
Charlie’s widow, Erika Kirk, expressed gratitude for Musk’s generosity, but admitted she’s struggling to keep the spectacle under control.
“I just wanted a nice service, maybe some casseroles, a slideshow, and Jason Aldean humming softly in the background,” Erika said. “Now I’m told Charlie’s ashes are being loaded into a rocket, and Joe Rogan is officiating the funeral shirtless. This… this is a lot.”
In a move that surprised no one, Musk declared that Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, and “all toxic hens” from The View were explicitly banned from attending.
“Look, this is America’s funeral, not a therapy session for cackling daytime hosts,” Musk explained. “If they show up, I’ll personally launch them into orbit. No refunds.”
Former President Donald Trump announced that he, too, will be speaking at the memorial, though aides confirm his speech is less about Kirk and more about Trump himself.
“Charlie was great, okay? He was a good guy, wonderful guy, maybe the best,” Trump said in a video. “But let’s be honest, if Charlie were alive today, he’d be saying, ‘Trump 2024, maybe 2028, maybe forever.’ So really, this is about me. But also about Charlie. Mostly me though.”
ABC immediately offered to televise Trump’s eulogy as a primetime special.
Because no Musk event is complete without celebrity chaos, the memorial will feature:
Jason Aldean — premiering his new song “Don’t Try That Funeral in My Small Town.”
Kid Rock — scheduled to fire live rounds into the air, though local police have begged him to reconsider.
Grimes — reluctantly performing a futuristic hymn called “Crypto Soul Ascension,” accompanied by AI bagpipes and whale sounds.
Joe Rogan — officiating while speculating whether Charlie’s consciousness might now exist as “pure energy floating in the astral plane.”
Following the service, guests will be treated to a “Patriot Banquet,” fully sponsored by Chick-fil-A and Tesla. Menu items include Freedom Nuggets, Kirk Casseroles, and Liberty Lemonade.
Each guest will also receive a coupon for 20% off Neuralink brain-chip implants, “so Charlie’s memory can literally live inside you.”
When asked if this was in poor taste, Musk tweeted: “Grief is the ultimate business model. Cry harder, pay faster.”
The internet exploded with memes, outrage, and confusion.
Fox News anchors called Musk’s $10 million gift “the greatest act of philanthropy since George Washington invented freedom.”
Meanwhile, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeted: “If Elon Musk can afford $10M for a funeral, maybe he can pay his workers a living wage.”
Musk replied within seconds: “No. But I can pay $20M for a second funeral if needed. #FreeSpeech.”
The climax of the memorial will be the launch of Kirk’s ashes into orbit aboard a Falcon 9 rocket. Once in space, the ashes will be released in a carefully choreographed pattern, briefly spelling out the words: “Owning the Libs Forever.”
A second rocket will simultaneously project Kirk’s Twitter handle into the night sky, ensuring he remains, in Musk’s words, “the first influencer to post from heaven.”
While critics call the whole thing a grotesque circus, Musk insists the event is a genuine tribute to a fallen friend.
“Charlie Kirk wasn’t just a man,” Musk told the crowd. “He was a brand, a hashtag, a potential NFT. And like all great American products, his legacy deserves a billion-dollar rollout.”
As the press conference ended, Musk revealed one final detail: a limited-edition Tesla “Charlie Edition” will be available to preorder immediately, priced at $77,776 and wrapped in an American flag.
“Charlie was the best of America,” Musk repeated solemnly. “And nothing honors him more than merging patriotism, grief, and preorders into one historic moment.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
