In what media insiders are calling “the boldest hostile act of kindness in television history,” Elon Musk has reportedly purchased ABC for a cool $10 billion, then promptly canceled The View before the ink on the contract was even dry.
According to witnesses inside ABC’s headquarters, the deal was signed at 9:02 a.m. Tuesday. By 9:07 a.m., the network’s beloved daytime talk show had vanished from the schedule — replaced by a test pattern featuring a dancing Dogecoin.
“They Were Making Too Much Noise”
When asked what motivated the sudden purchase, Musk gave a simple answer at a press conference held from his Tesla Cyberplane:
“I was trying to watch a rocket launch, but The View came on by accident. I lasted 40 seconds. Something had to be done.”
The billionaire entrepreneur, known for casually buying social media platforms and launching cars into orbit, said he considered simply tweeting about the show’s “chaotic energy,” but ultimately concluded that “it would be cheaper to just buy the network and delete it.”
Musk described his decision as “a humanitarian gesture for the American public,” adding, “Some people send food to poor countries. I cancel talk shows.”
ABC Executives Stunned — and Slightly Relieved
Sources inside ABC say the sale happened so fast that even Disney, which previously owned the network, didn’t fully grasp what was going on until Musk started moving into their Burbank office.
“Disney got a text from Elon saying, ‘Hey, I’m your new landlord,’” said one insider. “They thought it was a joke until he showed up with a flamethrower and a whiteboard labeled ‘Phase 2.’”
Within hours, Musk had replaced ABC’s mission statement with one simple line:
“Less talk. More rockets.”
Several producers were reportedly relieved by the cancellation of The View, describing the daily tapings as “an endurance sport.” One anonymous staff member said, “Honestly, I’m just happy I don’t have to referee another argument about Taylor Swift and tax policy.”
The View’s Sudden Exit
Musk’s first executive order was carried out in spectacular fashion. Viewers tuning in for The View’s regular broadcast were met with an on-screen announcement reading:
“This program has been permanently launched into orbit. Thank you for your patience.”
Moments later, Musk posted a photo on X of a Tesla Roadster with The View logo strapped to its side, floating in space. The caption read, “Farewell, ladies. You were too loud for Earth.”
The post racked up over 50 million likes within 24 hours.
Former Hosts React
Former co-hosts of The View reportedly learned of the cancellation at the same time as everyone else — through memes.
One unnamed host took to social media to denounce the move as “an attack on women, dialogue, and daytime television.” Musk replied within minutes:
“Correction: it’s an upgrade to human civilization.”
Another former host told reporters, “We were planning a special episode about Elon’s social responsibility. Now I guess that segment writes itself.”
Meanwhile, rumors suggest that one panelist is already in talks with Netflix to star in a new documentary titled Silenced: How I Survived Elon Musk’s Free Speech.
The New ABC: “All Broadcast Controlled”
Musk’s plans for ABC’s programming slate have already begun to leak online — and they are, in true Musk fashion, ambitious, chaotic, and completely unhinged.
Tentative new shows include:
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“Good Morning, Mars!” — A space-age morning show filmed entirely in a Tesla factory with zero gravity effects.
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“Who Wants to Be Verified?” — A game show where contestants compete for blue checkmarks instead of money.
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“Dancing With the Bots” — An AI-powered competition judged by humanoid robots and Grimes.
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“The Real Housewives of Starbase, Texas.”
When asked whether he plans to appear on any of these shows, Musk responded, “Only if I can host all of them simultaneously through holographic projection.”
Wall Street Reacts
Stock analysts were divided on the deal. One investor called it “a brilliant vertical integration of chaos.” Another sighed, “At this point, Elon could buy gravity and people would cheer.”
Tesla shares jumped 4% after the announcement, while Disney stock briefly plummeted — until fans realized Musk had not purchased Marvel, Pixar, or Disneyland. “Just ABC,” clarified Musk on X. “Though I might buy ESPN next to make football more efficient.”
Hollywood in Panic Mode
Within hours of the cancellation, rival networks scrambled to adapt. CBS executives met to discuss whether The Talk might be next. NBC quickly issued a press release stating, “We at NBC fully support Elon Musk’s right to silence whoever he wants — as long as he doesn’t buy us.”
Meanwhile, streaming platforms like Netflix and Hulu began developing counter-programming, including a new reality show reportedly titled The View: Unplugged, featuring cardboard cutouts of the former hosts arguing in an empty studio.
Musk’s Grand Vision
In his own words, Musk says his ultimate goal is to “restore balance to television.”
“There’s too much outrage, too much talking, not enough rocket fuel,” he explained. “People don’t want to hear six people screaming about inflation. They want to see a car explode on the moon.”
To prove his point, Musk teased the upcoming launch of Project VisionX — a new streaming platform described as “Netflix meets NASA, but without all the feelings.”
He claims it will feature “100% less yelling and 300% more engineering.”
Reactions from the Public
Public response has been predictably polarized. Fans of The View called the move misogynistic and egotistical, while Musk’s supporters hailed it as the “greatest public service since the invention of Wi-Fi.”
A viral meme circulating online shows Musk in a superhero costume labeled “The De-Talker,” with the caption:
“He bought the network so we didn’t have to hear them anymore.”
Meanwhile, small businesses selling “RIP THE VIEW 1997-2025” T-shirts have reported record sales.
Life After The View
Asked what he plans to do with the show’s studio space, Musk said he’s converting it into “a zero-gravity think tank” where engineers, comedians, and dogs with Twitter accounts can brainstorm future projects.
When pressed about whether The View might ever return, Musk smiled.
“If it does, it’ll be hosted by AI robots who listen before they talk. So, no — probably not.”
A Historic Moment for Television
Love him or hate him, Elon Musk has once again reshaped an industry just by getting bored and writing a check.
As one entertainment critic put it, “We used to wonder what Elon would do if he ever ran out of planets to colonize. Now we know — he’s colonizing cable TV.”
Whether this marks the dawn of a new media empire or simply another bizarre entry in the billionaire’s ongoing social experiment, one thing is certain: the television landscape will never be the same.
And as millions of Americans sit down tomorrow morning and find The View missing from their screens, Elon Musk will be somewhere out there, sipping coffee, smiling, and whispering to himself:
“You’re welcome, Earth.”
