In what some are calling the largest expansion of a student organization since fraternities discovered cheap beer, governors across America’s red states announced this week that every school under their jurisdiction will now host a Turning Point USA chapter, in honor of the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk.
The move comes just two weeks after Kirk’s assassination at Utah Valley University, a tragedy that sent shockwaves through America’s political landscape. But rather than simply mourning, Republican leaders decided the best tribute was a nationwide mobilization of branded clubs, free pocket Constitutions, and an endless supply of “Big Government Sucks” stickers.
“Charlie may be gone, but his PowerPoint slides will live forever,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared at a press conference. “We will make sure his message of small government, patriotic selfies, and anti-woke TikToks echo through every hallway in America’s red states.”
According to officials, every Turning Point USA chapter will come with a standardized “Kirk Curriculum”, designed to educate students on the late activist’s greatest hits. Course units include:
Intro to Meme Warfare: How to Trigger Libs in Under 5 Words
Advanced Campus Tabling: Convincing Freshmen With Free Pizza
History 101: The Founding Fathers Definitely Would’ve Voted Republican
Econ for Patriots: Taxes = Theft, Unless It’s Subsidies for Oil Companies
To ensure quality, each school will also receive a life-sized cardboard cutout of Charlie Kirk, smiling faintly as if he just owned a liberal in debate club.
“Students will learn to salute it every morning, right after the Pledge of Allegiance,” explained Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. “It’s like a cross between civics class and Disneyland, except with more American flags and fewer diversity quotas.”
The rollout has been nothing short of spectacular. In Alabama, officials announced that Turning Point USA clubs will replace student government entirely. “Who needs class presidents when you can have campus influencers quoting Ronald Reagan over Bluetooth speakers?” one superintendent bragged.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, every high school gymnasium is being retrofitted with giant LED screens permanently streaming Kirk’s old speeches. “Basketball practice will now include 10 minutes of free throws and 20 minutes of listening to Charlie explain why socialism ruins everything,” explained the athletic director of Nashville West High.
Naturally, the new program comes with merch. Across red states, students are lining up for “We Are Charlie” t-shirts, MAGA-colored notebooks, and Kirk-branded Gatorade bottles (flavor: Patriot Punch).
To fund the expansion, governors announced a partnership with Nike, though the shoes will only be available in red, white, and blue — and possibly camo. The box includes a note that reads: “Just Don’t Woke It.”
Entrepreneurs are already cashing in. One Oklahoma mom started an Etsy shop selling custom lunchboxes reading “Charlie Kirk Ate Here First,” while a Missouri dad has been spotted scalping Kirk bobbleheads outside PTA meetings.
Reactions among students have been mixed.
“I joined because the chapter promised free Chick-fil-A nuggets every Friday,” admitted one sophomore in Arkansas. “Also, my dad said if I didn’t, I’d have to mow the lawn every weekend until college.”
Others are less enthusiastic. “I drew a rainbow on my art project and the Turning Point chapter leader tried to fine me in ‘Patriot Points,’” said a bewildered seventh grader from Mississippi. “I don’t even know what that means.”
In a surprising twist, even some conservative students are hesitant. “Look, I love Charlie,” said a high school senior in Kentucky, “but do I really need a full semester of PowerPoint slides about why wind turbines are communist?”
Republican politicians, however, could not be more thrilled.
“Turning Point USA chapters in every school are the future of America,” declared Senator Ted Cruz, while pausing to sip a Bud Light just to remind people he still hates it. “We’re talking about a new generation of voters who will never touch kale, never pay taxes, and never let Whoopi Goldberg host another daytime talk show.”
Even former President Donald Trump weighed in. “Charlie Kirk was a wonderful guy, everybody says so. Very smart, very tall,” Trump said, while confusing Kirk with Barron again. “Turning Point in every school is the best idea since me. Maybe better. Maybe not. We’ll see.”
Critics blasted the initiative as nothing more than state-sponsored propaganda. “This is literally indoctrination,” fumed one Democratic strategist. “They’ve taken Charlie Kirk’s Instagram captions and turned them into curriculum.”
Civil liberties groups warned that requiring Kirk content in classrooms could cross constitutional lines. “The First Amendment protects free speech, not mandatory Charlie Kirk memes in homeroom,” one lawyer argued.
But Abbott dismissed concerns, saying, “If liberals are mad, that just means we’re doing it right.”
Red state leaders insist this is only the beginning. Future plans include: Turning Point USA summer camps, featuring rifle training and karaoke nights where every song is rewritten to be about free markets.
The “Kirk on Ice” national skating tour, where professional skaters perform routines to Charlie’s most famous debates. A proposed monument in Washington, D.C., depicting Kirk holding the U.S. Constitution in one hand and a giant Twitter logo in the other.
Some have even suggested renaming AP Government classes “AP Kirk.”
Charlie Kirk’s assassination was, without question, a dark moment in American political life. But in death, Kirk’s legacy has transformed from fiery conservative activist to mandatory school brand, complete with merch, mascots, and morning salutes.
For conservatives, this is victory: a way to ensure that Kirk’s name will echo across cafeterias, gymnasiums, and detention halls long after his time. For critics, it’s proof that the culture wars have officially entered the yearbook committee.
Either way, one thing is certain: with Turning Point USA chapters now mandatory in every red state school, America’s kids will never forget Charlie Kirk. Not in math class. Not in biology. Not even during prom, where DJ booths will now include a five-minute moment of silence followed by Kirk’s greatest hits on Spotify.
Because as the governors have said, “Nobody will ever forget him.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
