President Donald Trump has announced what he calls “the single greatest cultural project in American history” — a plan to install Charlie Kirk statues in front of every state capitol building in the nation.
“People say George Washington was the father of our country,” Trump said while holding up a glossy poster of Kirk in a navy suit. “But now, we have Charlie — the older brother of our country. The statues will be big, beautiful, and, quite frankly, more inspiring than Lincoln.”
The new statues are expected to stand at least 15 feet tall and will depict Kirk holding a Constitution in one hand and a Turning Point USA pamphlet in the other. The bases will be inscribed with Trump’s favorite new slogan: “Kirk Saved the Nation From Wokeness.”
According to the White House, the project will be funded by a combination of federal dollars, MAGA PAC donations, and “voluntary tithes from Starbucks customers who voted Democrat.”
“Charlie Kirk is not just a man. He’s an institution,” said Vice President JD Vance. “What better way to honor him than by ensuring children in every state must walk past his giant marble face before learning about pronouns.”
Predictably, the order has divided America’s governors along party lines.
Florida’s Ron DeSantis quickly pledged support, promising that Florida’s Kirk statue would be 40 feet taller than Disney World’s Cinderella Castle. “And unlike Mickey Mouse,” DeSantis said, “Charlie Kirk is a real American hero.”
But California’s Gavin Newsom called the move “a grotesque federal overreach” and suggested that the Kirk statue in Sacramento might be repurposed as “a giant pigeon coop.”
Oregon Governor Tina Kotek went further, announcing that Portland activists would be “invited to decorate” the statue with murals of Greta Thunberg and rainbow glitter.
At universities nationwide, students are treating the statue plan as the prank opportunity of the decade. Social media groups with names like “Operation Kirk Costume” and “Charlie’s Angels (But Ironic)” are coordinating strategies to keep every new statue dressed in something ridiculous.
Ideas floated so far include: Giant Kirk statues wearing oversized Crocs.
Adding AirPods to each ear and blasting Lizzo. “They can build them,” said a student at the University of Michigan, “but they can’t stop us from making him the biggest meme since Harambe.”
Fox News hailed the order as “the new Apollo Program.” Tucker Carlson, returning as a guest commentator, said:
“These statues will heal the nation. Forget Lincoln. Forget FDR. When people think of American greatness 100 years from now, they’ll think: Charlie Kirk, the marble visionary who ended socialism by standing really still outside statehouses.”
Laura Ingraham announced she would personally visit all 50 statues on a “Charlie Across America” bus tour. Sean Hannity promised to donate his entire tie collection to ensure Kirk’s statues were “always well-dressed.”
The announcement stunned world leaders. Britain’s King Charles politely asked if one Kirk statue could be shipped to London “just to see what all the fuss is about.”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau groaned audibly, saying, “We were hoping for maple leaf statues, not… whatever this is.”
Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong-un reportedly grew envious. “We only have statues of my family,” he complained. “America now has someone taller than me, even in stone.”
Urban planners are already dreading the rollout. In Rhode Island, legislators pointed out there’s barely enough space in front of their state capitol to fit a food truck, let alone a 15-foot Kirk.
In Alaska, engineers raised concerns that the statue might be mistaken for a bear during the winter months and shot at by hunters.
And in Massachusetts, professors at Harvard and MIT jointly announced a new degree program: “Statue Studies: Kirk Edition.” Tuition will be $120,000 a year, but it comes with a free selfie at the Boston statue.
When asked why Kirk deserved statues in all 50 states, Trump replied:
“He was young, he was smart, he was beautiful. Some say the most beautiful. And he loved me. The statues will love me too. Everyone says these statues will make Mount Rushmore jealous.”
Trump then teased that the next step might be replacing the Lincoln Memorial with a Kirk Memorial, featuring “twice as many columns and at least three food courts.”
Construction is set to begin immediately, with federal workers instructed to fast-track marble imports and “ignore liberal whining.” The first statue will reportedly be unveiled in Phoenix, Arizona — Kirk’s adopted home state — with a concert by Jason Aldean titled “Stone Cold Patriot.”
Protesters are already organizing “marble blockades,” while Trump supporters are booking travel packages to be the first to take selfies with Kirk’s gleaming forehead.
To Trump’s base, the statues symbolize a final victory over what they call “woke culture.” To liberals, they’re a nightmare of authoritarian kitsch. To college pranksters, they’re a once-in-a-lifetime meme canvas.
But one thing is clear: for decades to come, Americans will argue not about whether Charlie Kirk deserved the statues, but what absurd thing someone spray-painted on them last night.
And in Trump’s America, that’s exactly the point.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
