In a move that has left some NFL fans scratching their heads and others buying out fireworks stores in bulk, the league has officially confirmed that Jason Aldean and Kid Rock will lead a special halftime segment honoring the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk during the next Super Bowl.
The announcement comes after months of speculation about who would be chosen to follow up last year’s flashy Rihanna performance. Instead of a medley of chart-topping hits, this year’s halftime show promises “a heartfelt, all-American remembrance” of Kirk, complete with guitars, cowboy hats, and (reportedly) a bald eagle circling the stadium.
According to leaked rehearsal notes, Jason Aldean is slated to kick off the tribute with a slowed-down rendition of *Try That in a Small Town*, rewritten with lyrics about Kirk’s “fight for freedom.” Kid Rock, never one to miss an opportunity to make things louder than they need to be, will then appear on stage riding a monster truck painted like the Constitution.
The finale? A twenty-foot-high hologram of Charlie Kirk holding a football aloft as the stadium erupts into chants of “USA.” Pyrotechnics will spell out his name across the sky, while the marching band forms the shape of his unmistakable hairline.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell defended the decision, saying, “The Super Bowl is about unity, and nothing brings people together like a tribute that will make half the country cheer and the other half tweet angrily for weeks.”
Not everyone is thrilled. Social media erupted with debates ranging from whether Kid Rock should still be allowed near live microphones to whether a sports event should double as a political memorial. One Twitter user wrote, “I just wanted football and nachos, not a Kid Rock sermon about Charlie Kirk.”
Meanwhile, Fox News has already promised wall-to-wall coverage of the tribute, while ESPN analysts are reportedly in heated arguments over whether Kirk’s memory will improve third-quarter passing percentages.
For their part, Aldean and Kid Rock are leaning fully into the spectacle. “This ain’t just a show,” Aldean told reporters. “It’s a stand for America, for liberty, and for reminding everyone that halftime can be about more than dance moves.” Kid Rock added, “If you thought Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction was historic, just wait until you see what we’ve got planned.”
Rumors suggest that the duo may attempt to break the Guinness World Record for “Most Fireworks Exploded During a Song About Taxes.” The NFL, however, declined to comment on reports that the pyrotechnics budget for the tribute exceeds the GDP of several small countries.
Whether the performance is remembered as a heartfelt tribute or a loud fever dream, one thing is certain: Super Bowl Sunday is about to get a lot more political, a lot more patriotic, and a whole lot louder.
And as one skeptical fan posted: “If Charlie Kirk shows up as a hologram and sings backup for Kid Rock, I’m canceling my cable forever.”
The Super Bowl is set for February, but the debate has already kicked off. Will viewers tune in for the football—or for the fireworks, monster trucks, and holographic Kirk? Only time (and the ratings) will tell.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
