Jimmy Kimmel, once the smirking face of late-night television, is now the smirking face of a GoFundMe campaign. After hemorrhaging yet another $20 million in sponsorship deals following his controversial remarks about the late Charlie Kirk, Kimmel has taken his financial plight to the internet, proving that even millionaires can cosplay as broke YouTubers when times get tough.
Kimmel’s fall from grace has been swift. One day he was mocking politicians in a studio filled with laughter, the next he was sitting in sweatpants, typing the words:
“Please help. I’ve lost everything (except three houses, two Teslas, and a 24-hour private chef).”
According to his GoFundMe description, Kimmel claims the financial strain is so severe that he may have to let go of his “pool boy,” a man named Santiago who, Kimmel insists, “brings joy to the family by skimming leaves while shirtless.”
Sponsorships have been vanishing faster than Kimmel’s ratings during a monologue about student debt. After mocking Charlie Kirk’s legacy, brands scrambled to distance themselves. Pepsi dropped him first, followed by Verizon, Home Depot, and even Spirit Halloween.
“Jimmy Kimmel’s values don’t align with our inflatable skeletons,” Spirit Halloween said in a statement.
One marketing executive explained: “When Charlie Kirk became a martyr, he became untouchable. Making jokes at his expense is like making jokes about Abraham Lincoln. Except Lincoln didn’t host Turning Point USA summits in a Costco parking lot.”
At press time, Kimmel’s campaign had raised about $56,000. Unfortunately, most donations were accompanied by insults: “Here’s $1. Use it to buy charisma.”
“Donated in honor of Charlie Kirk’s hairline, which was stronger than your career.”
“I’d give more, but my money went to Kirk’s hologram tour.”
One anonymous donor gave $10,000 with the message: “From your true friend, J.L.” (Speculation immediately erupted that it was Jay Leno trolling him.)
Mark Ruffalo tweeted: “Corporate America silences another voice. Donate if you can, but also, eat more kale.” Bill Maher chuckled on his show: “So, Jimmy Kimmel wants a GoFundMe? I thought he already had one. It’s called Disney.”
Kanye West offered $50 but demanded it be hand-delivered in cash, wrapped in Yeezy packaging. Meanwhile, Roseanne Barr posted a video laughing hysterically while eating pie.
On the other side of the aisle, conservative commentators were practically throwing confetti. Tucker Carlson smirked during his podcast:
“Jimmy Kimmel used to mock Middle America. Now he is Middle America — begging online for gas money.”
Turning Point USA announced plans to launch a competing fundraiser titled “Keep Jimmy Poor,” where donors pledge to not give him money. Within hours, it had already surpassed Kimmel’s total.
Kimmel’s bosses at ABC remain tight-lipped. Insiders whisper that executives are torn: do they reinstate him and risk further backlash, or let him fade into obscurity and replace him with… Ryan Seacrest?
One executive allegedly told reporters: “Look, we survived Roseanne, we can survive Jimmy. But at least Roseanne never started a GoFundMe to cover her backyard koi pond expenses.”
“I’m not asking for much,” he said while sipping from a $400 crystal tumbler. “Just enough to keep my espresso machine running. Maybe replace the gold leaf wallpaper in my guest bathroom. People don’t realize — $20 million is a lot when your wife keeps buying French bulldogs.”
At one point, he appeared to tear up, but viewers later realized he was just cutting onions for his Wagyu beef tartare.
Of course, Donald Trump couldn’t resist: “Jimmy Kimmel — total disaster. Losing all his money. Begging like a dog. Very low energy. I always knew Charlie Kirk was more popular, more respected, more handsome. Nobody liked Kimmel anyway. I like Fallon, Fallon laughs at me. Kimmel cries. Sad!”
The crowd at his rally then chanted: “No more Jimmy! No more Jimmy!”
Kimmel’s late-night peers have been predictably merciless.
Jimmy Fallon joked: “Jimmy Kimmel started a GoFundMe. I’d donate, but I spent all my money on hair gel.”
Stephen Colbert quipped: “When I set up a GoFundMe, at least it’ll be for something noble. Like paying people to laugh at my Trump impressions again.”
Seth Meyers asked: “Is GoFundMe the new ratings system? Because if so, I’m still beating him.”
Charlie Kirk’s family released a statement through Turning Point USA:
“We don’t want Jimmy Kimmel’s money. We just want his silence. And maybe his timeslot.”
They also announced a scholarship fund in Charlie’s honor, cheekily named “The Shut Jimmy Up Fellowship.”
“GoFundMe supports all users, even wealthy television hosts who lose millions for making jokes about American patriots,” the company said in a press release. “That said, we encourage donors to carefully consider whether they’d rather spend their money on something more urgent, like a hamster in need of dental surgery.”
Insiders claim Kimmel is weighing his options. Rumors swirl he may move his show to YouTube, launch a cooking channel, or co-host a podcast with Hunter Biden. One producer suggested a rebrand: “Jimmy Kimmel Live… from Bankruptcy Court.”
Another possibility: a Netflix special called “GoFundMe: The Roast of Jimmy Kimmel,” where celebrities pay to insult him for charity.
Jimmy Kimmel’s GoFundMe may not make a dent in his lost millions, but it has cemented his new role as America’s most tragic millionaire. For every dollar donated, a late-night punchline dies.
Whether he bounces back with a heartfelt apology or fades into the shadows of Burbank, one thing is certain: Charlie Kirk’s ghost is laughing harder than anyone in the studio audience ever did.
As one GoFundMe donor put it best: “Sorry Jimmy. Thoughts, prayers, and no donations.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
