Jimmy Kimmel has once again been benched by ABC, marking his second suspension in just two weeks. The reason? His pointed comments about the late conservative commentator Charlie Kirk, who was assassinated earlier this month.
On Tuesday night, during his opening monologue, Kimmel cracked jokes comparing the nationwide mourning for Kirk to “the reaction you’d expect if Netflix canceled Friends again.” He added, “People are acting like he was a founding father—relax, he was more of a YouTuber with a blazer.”
The studio audience laughed nervously, but ABC executives did not. By Wednesday morning, Jimmy Kimmel Live! was yanked off the schedule, replaced by a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos from 1998.
Kimmel’s remark about Kirk’s death came at a time when the nation was still processing the shock. The conservative activist, known for fiery speeches and campus debates, was gunned down during a rally in Arizona. His funeral drew thousands, including high-ranking politicians and celebrities.
“Jimmy picked the absolute worst time to do this,” said one ABC insider. “We already survived the advertisers revolting after his last suspension. Then he doubled down. We’re not running a comedy show at this point, we’re running damage control 24/7.”
ABC brass said little officially, only releasing a vague statement: “In light of recent remarks regarding Charlie Kirk, we are suspending Jimmy Kimmel Live! until further notice.”
Behind the scenes, the network reportedly scrambled after several sponsors—ranging from Domino’s to Home Depot—cut ties. One exec admitted, “We had to swap their ads with public service announcements about recycling. Recycling! During primetime!”
Kimmel, however, isn’t taking the suspension quietly. He told paparazzi outside his home, “That’s it. I’m out. I’m moving to Britain. At least when you get canceled over there, someone politely hands you a scone first.”
He elaborated: “Look at Ellen—she left, she reinvented herself, and now she’s on some British panel show about cake. That could be me! I’ll make fun of Big Ben, mispronounce Worcestershire, maybe even host a roast of the King. Anything beats this circus.”
According to unconfirmed reports, Kimmel has already contacted a London estate agent about renting a flat “within walking distance of at least three pubs and one Tesco Express.”
The announcement was met with horror by Britain’s media class. The Times ran a headline: “US Late-Night Host Threatens to Inflict Himself on UK.” The Daily Mail was blunter: “Jimmy Kimmel Eyes London Move—Nation Still Recovering from James Corden.”
A BBC producer anonymously remarked, “We just got rid of Piers Morgan, now this? Someone please stop Heathrow from letting him through customs.”
President Donald Trump wasted no time gloating. On Truth Social, he posted: “Kimmel suspended AGAIN for his disgusting comments about Charlie Kirk. Nobody liked him anyway. Good riddance. Britain deserves him. They can have his TERRIBLE JOKES!!!”
The post racked up thousands of likes, with supporters posting memes of Kimmel photoshopped as a palace guard outside Buckingham Palace.
In Hollywood, comedians circled the wagons—sort of. Stephen Colbert declared it “a sad day for satire.” Seth Meyers said he supported Kimmel but admitted, “I honestly thought his show was already canceled.”
Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon tried to avoid picking sides, though one NBC source claimed Fallon popped champagne the moment the suspension news broke.
Matt Damon, Kimmel’s long-time nemesis, simply tweeted: “Finally.”
Perhaps the harshest blow comes from Kimmel’s advertisers. Starbucks, Target, and even Petco pulled their sponsorships within hours of the suspension. “We can’t have our brand associated with someone mocking a tragic death,” said a Target spokesperson. “Also, we’ve been trying to distance ourselves from late-night TV in general—it’s basically free advertising for insomnia.”
For ordinary Americans, the suspension sparked mixed reactions. In a poll conducted Thursday, 62% of respondents said they “don’t care,” 25% said they were “glad,” and 13% mistakenly thought Kimmel was still the guy hosting Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
On social media, memes exploded. One viral post showed Kimmel photoshopped onstage at The Great British Bake Off, wearing an apron and crying into a Victoria sponge while Paul Hollywood looked unimpressed. Another depicted him as a Beefeater at the Tower of London with the caption: “From Late Night to Late Knight.”
Industry experts are skeptical about Kimmel’s prospects abroad. “British audiences like dry wit,” said one analyst. “Jimmy’s humor is more… moist. At best, he’ll end up on Channel 4, sandwiched between reruns of Come Dine With Me.”
Another noted, “If he thinks Adele or Harry Styles are going to sit on his couch every week, he’s dreaming. He’ll be lucky if Nigel Farage shows up.”
For now, Kimmel remains off the air, sulking and preparing for his British adventure. “I’ll start fresh,” he insisted. “I’ll be the Meghan Markle of late-night TV. America didn’t appreciate me, but the UK will.”
Skeptics aren’t so sure. As one critic put it: “Britain already has snarky comedians who don’t get laughs. Why would they import another?”
In the meantime, ABC executives are reportedly considering permanently replacing Jimmy Kimmel Live! with a rotating lineup of cat videos. Viewers, frankly, might not notice the difference.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
