BOSTON — In what was expected to be a major fusion of activism and pop culture, global superstar Bad Bunny announced a special performance at the “No Kings” protest rally in Boston — only for the event to fall flatter than a deflated crown.
Despite weeks of online promotion, celebrity hashtags, and moody black-and-white posters promising “a revolution of rhythm,” organizers say only about 1,500 people have signed up to attend the concert-slash-protest-slash-whatever-it-is.
One organizer quietly admitted, “We ordered 10,000 biodegradable wristbands. Now we’re using them as napkin rings.”
“No Kings,” Few Subjects
The “No Kings” protest, hosted by an activist coalition called Monarchs Belong in Fairy Tales, was billed as a stand against “modern hierarchies, systemic elitism, and anyone who calls themselves an influencer.”
Bad Bunny, known for breaking barriers in Latin music and for occasionally breaking the internet, was brought in as the main draw.
“He represents rebellion and authenticity,” said event coordinator Trinity Wexler, a sociology graduate student who hasn’t slept since Tuesday. “If anyone can dismantle power structures through reggaeton, it’s him.”
Unfortunately, it seems that dismantling power structures is easier than filling a field in Boston on a Saturday afternoon.
City officials confirmed that attendance projections are now “slightly below expectations.”
“Originally they told us to prepare for 50,000,” said Boston public safety liaison Tom O’Reilly. “Now we’re looking at around 1,400, assuming some of them bring friends.”
Tickets Are Free — Enthusiasm Is Priceless
Although entry to the event is free, local reports say enthusiasm costs extra. Flyers around the city promoting the “No Kings” rally have mostly been ignored, mistaken for indie film posters or student art projects.
“I thought it was a theater thing,” said one passerby. “Then I saw Bad Bunny’s name and assumed it was an April Fool’s joke that got out of hand.”
The event’s official website — designed entirely in Comic Sans — promises “music, justice, and artisanal empanadas.” But even that hasn’t helped.
“We tried to make it fun,” said co-organizer Wexler. “We offered yoga circles, vegan food trucks, and a TikTok live booth where people can scream about colonialism. But Boston just isn’t vibing with our message.”
Bad Bunny Speaks: “It’s About Love, Not Numbers”
Bad Bunny, meanwhile, has brushed off criticism of the low turnout. Speaking from his tour bus (parked somewhere near a Dunkin’), the artist said he’s not worried about crowd size.
“I’ve performed for millions,” he said. “Now I perform for the few — the faithful. The ones who don’t need kings, only rhythm.”
When asked whether he regretted skipping out on the Super Bowl halftime gig for a park protest, he smiled and replied:
“No kings. No regrets.”
The singer reportedly plans to perform a stripped-down set featuring acoustic versions of hits like Tití Me Preguntó and Me Porto Bonito, reimagined with protest-style chants in the background.
Protest Organizers Blame “Crown Fatigue”
Event volunteers have offered several explanations for the poor turnout, including “protest burnout,” “cold weather,” and “America’s lack of monarchy awareness.”
“It’s hard to rally against kings when your country hasn’t had one in 250 years,” said volunteer coordinator Nate Holbrook. “A lot of people showed up in Burger King crowns thinking it was cosplay.”
One attendee, holding a sign that read ‘No Crowns, Just Clowns’, admitted he wasn’t sure what the event was about.
“I came because I thought they said ‘No Wings’ and it was a vegan thing,” he confessed.
Even the event’s marketing seems to have missed the mark. The group’s slogan, “Dethrone the System,” was reportedly misprinted on thousands of T-shirts as “Defrost the System.”
“We leaned into it,” said Wexler. “It’s Boston. People like defrosting things.”
Elon Musk Joins the Conversation (Of Course)
Naturally, Elon Musk couldn’t resist chiming in online.
After seeing the hashtag #NoKingsConcert trending with only a few thousand posts, Musk tweeted:
“Should’ve called it the ‘Low Kings’ protest.”
The post immediately gained traction — mostly among Musk’s followers who seemed delighted to dunk on Bad Bunny fans.
Bad Bunny’s camp declined to comment on Musk’s jab, but one source close to the artist said, “Benito’s too busy tuning his guitar and spiritually ascending.”
Boston Prepares for the Most Polite Protest in History
Local officials say the protest will proceed as planned — though they’re not expecting much disruption.
“Honestly, we’re more concerned about parking than politics,” said Boston Mayor Michelle Wu. “As long as they pick up their biodegradable confetti, we’re fine.”
Police have assigned a modest force of five officers to monitor the event. Three will be stationed near the stage, one at the vegan donut stand, and one “just in case someone brings a drum circle.”
Traffic closures? None. Riot gear? Unnecessary. According to the city’s official estimate, “the protest will generate roughly the same noise level as a middle school band rehearsal.”
Merch, Memes, and Mild Confusion
Despite the low attendance, organizers are still selling No Kings merchandise, including shirts that read “Rebel Royalty” and limited-edition tote bags printed with Bad Bunny’s face wearing a cracked crown.
Online reactions have been predictably mixed.
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Supporters are calling the concert “a brave stand against systemic monarchies everywhere.”
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Critics have dubbed it “the most confusing event since Fyre Festival.”
One Boston meme account posted a photo of a near-empty field with the caption:
“The revolution will be sparsely attended.”
Fans Promise to Show Up “Spiritually”
Across social media, some Bad Bunny fans have promised to “attend in spirit,” flooding Twitter with messages of support.
One wrote:
“Even if I can’t be there physically, I’m protesting every time I skip a royal wedding documentary.”
Another fan tweeted:
“We’re all at the ‘No Kings’ rally — just metaphysically.”
Organizers have tried to encourage virtual participation by offering a live stream that currently has more scheduled moderators than confirmed viewers.
Still, Bad Bunny Marches On
As setup crews erect a modest stage in Boston Common, Bad Bunny seems unfazed by the low turnout.
“He’s a performer,” said his manager. “Even if there’s only one person in the crowd, he’ll give them a show. Especially if that person brought a flag.”
Rumors suggest he might perform barefoot “as a symbol of grounding energy,” though that’s yet to be confirmed.
At press time, local weather forecasts predict light rain and possible existential confusion.
A Kingdom Without a Crowd
By all accounts, the “No Kings” protest is shaping up to be less of a rebellion and more of a relaxed afternoon concert with political undertones.
Still, organizers insist the message matters.
“We’re not here for numbers,” said Wexler, sipping her kombucha. “We’re here to start a conversation.”
When asked what that conversation was about exactly, she paused, then said,
“We’re still workshopping that part.”
As for Bad Bunny, he’ll take the stage at 4 p.m. sharp — even if the only audience left is a few soaked students, three pigeons, and one very confused guy in a Burger King hat.
Because at the end of the day, in his words:
“It’s not about the crowd. It’s about the crown — or getting rid of it.”
