BREAKING: Charlie Kirk’s Funeral Breaks Records, Outselling Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour Stop
Phoenix, AZ — America has entered uncharted territory: a conservative activist’s funeral has become a stadium-filling, record-shattering cultural event. On Sunday, Charlie Kirk’s funeral in Phoenix drew such an enormous crowd that event statisticians say it not only rivaled, but surpassed Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour concert in the same city earlier this year. Fans poured […]
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Elon Musk Announces Charlie Kirk Murals in Every Tesla Dealership: “America Needs More Inspiration”
The memorial service for Charlie Kirk was already shaping up to be a political spectacle with speakers ranging from President Donald Trump to Tucker Carlson. But leave it to Elon Musk to steal the spotlight. Standing at the podium, wearing his trademark half-tuxedo, half–SpaceX bomber jacket, the Tesla CEO announced an initiative that had the […]
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Oliver Anthony Rejects $1 Million Fee to Perform at Charlie Kirk Memorial: “You Can’t Put a Price on Brotherhood”
The world of country-folk balladeering collided with the conservative political universe this week when Oliver Anthony, the red-bearded, self-taught songwriter of viral fame, reportedly turned down a $1 million offer to perform at Charlie Kirk’s memorial service. His reason was as blunt as his lyrics: “You can’t put a price on brotherhood.” The decision has […]
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NBC Weighs Suspending Jimmy Fallon After Kimmel: “He’s Become Too Much Woke”
First it was Jimmy Kimmel. Now it might be Jimmy Fallon. In the great purge of late-night television, both Jimmys are under fire — proving once and for all that when it comes to comedy, having the name “Jimmy” is now a liability. After ABC stunned the industry by suspending Jimmy Kimmel Live! in the […]
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Elon Musk Donates $10 Million for Charlie Kirk’s Memorial: “My Friend Charlie Was the Best of America”
In a move that shocked both Wall Street and Sunday school prayer groups, billionaire Elon Musk announced he is donating $10 million to fund Charlie Kirk’s memorial service. The Tesla and SpaceX CEO described Kirk as “my best friend, my spiritual co-pilot, and the closest thing conservatives had to a youth pastor with a podcast.” […]
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ABC Replaces The View With The Charlie Kirk Show, Hosted by Erika Kirk and Megyn Kelly: “It’s Done”
In what ABC executives are calling “the boldest network decision since canceling ALF,” The View has officially been tossed into the dustbin of television history. In its place, the network announced the launch of The Charlie Kirk Show, hosted by Kirk’s widow Erika Kirk and media veteran Megyn Kelly. The announcement, delivered via a curt […]
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Whoopi Goldberg Booted From The View After Blasting Charlie Kirk: “You’re Fired Indefinitely”
Daytime television just got a nuclear plot twist. In a move nobody saw coming (but everybody secretly craved), ABC has officially kicked Whoopi Goldberg off The View after her less-than-heavenly remarks about the late conservative activist Charlie Kirk. The words from network brass were short and brutal: “You’re fired indefinitely.” Translation? Don’t bother cleaning out […]
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ABC Cancels The View TV Show, Replaces It With Charlie Kirk Tribute Show, “We’ve Had Enough of These Toxic Hens”
After decades of celebrities crying on Jimmy Kimmel and decades of hens clucking on The View, ABC executives have finally had enough. In a stunning announcement Monday, the network declared both shows canceled and unveiled their bold replacement: a daily Charlie Kirk tribute extravaganza titled For God and Ratings: The Charlie Kirk Hour. “Look, America […]
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Jason Aldean To Organize A Country Tour In Memory Of Charlie Kirk, “One Nation, One Flag”
Country singer Jason Aldean has never been accused of subtlety, and with his latest announcement, he doesn’t plan to start now. The Georgia-born performer revealed that his new One Nation, One Flag Tour will be dedicated entirely to the memory of Charlie Kirk, the conservative activist whose recent assassination has left right-wing circles scrambling for […]
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ABC Banishes Jimmy Kimmel for Life After Charlie Kirk Remarks: “He’s Our Hero”
In what media historians are already calling “the most dramatic corporate overreaction since New Coke,” ABC has permanently removed Jimmy Kimmel from the airwaves after the late-night host dared to make the gravest mistake in American broadcast history: suggesting that Charlie Kirk was not, in fact, a celestial being made of truth, patriotism, and founding […]
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