In an era where celebrity petitions range from demanding Shrek 5 to insisting Nicolas Cage be named “National Treasure” for real, one petition has dwarfed them all: **the drive to nominate the late Charlie Kirk for TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year**. Within just three weeks of its launch, the campaign has already surpassed 50 million signatures, breaking records and baffling online organizers who initially thought they’d be lucky to crack 100,000.
The website hosting the petition, *ChangeForCharlie.com*, has crashed five times since last Friday. “Our servers were not designed to handle this much freedom,” admitted site administrator Greg Dawson, who confessed that even Amazon Web Services had to “scale patriotically” to keep up.
The movement isn’t limited to America. Fans across the globe have logged on to digitally pledge their support. Reports show that a surprising 7% of the signatures came from Poland, while an inexplicable 3% originated from Iceland, where locals claim Kirk’s speeches were “as comforting as fermented shark.”
Even in countries that openly mock American politics, support has trickled in. One French student, signing the petition, wrote: *“Je ne sais pas qui est Charlie Kirk, mais j’aime les pétitions.”* TIME editors are reportedly investigating whether non-English signatures count, though one unnamed source admitted: “At this point, democracy has spoken. In 50 million fonts.”
The editors of TIME are now in a bind. Traditionally, the Person of the Year is awarded to someone who has influenced events, for better or worse. Charlie Kirk’s supporters argue his assassination galvanized millions and his legacy reshaped political discourse overnight.
“TIME gave it to Hitler once,” remarked Turning Point USA’s Andrew Kolvet. “If they can give it to Hitler, they can give it to Charlie. Frankly, if they don’t, it’s fake news.”
TIME has neither confirmed nor denied that Kirk is on the shortlist, but the magazine did release a carefully worded statement: *“We are aware of the petition. Our editorial team will consider it alongside other global events. We encourage respectful discourse.”* In other words, buckle up.
As with any viral movement, celebrities have lined up to join the cause. Jason Aldean urged his 3.2 million Instagram followers to sign, captioning his post with: *“For my brother Charlie—this one’s for you.”* Kid Rock went further, announcing he’d tattoo the petition link on his back if the count hit 75 million.
Elon Musk, never one to miss a chance for spectacle, tweeted: *“If Charlie isn’t Person of the Year, I’ll buy TIME and rename it KIRK.”* Tesla employees allegedly groaned, realizing they might have to print commemorative “Person of the Year” issues on Cybertruck dashboards.
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift’s fanbase, the Swifties, expressed confusion. “Wait, who is Charlie Kirk?” asked one, sparking a digital turf war as Turning Point fans flooded TikTok with mashups of Kirk speeches over Swift’s ballads.
Naturally, not everyone is thrilled with the idea. Critics argue that a posthumous nomination is inappropriate, especially given the divisive nature of Kirk’s politics. Progressive groups launched their own counter-petition titled “Literally Anyone Else for TIME,” which, as of this writing, has amassed a paltry 1,982 signatures and three angry comments from people demanding refunds.
Whoopi Goldberg, speaking on a livestream, called the petition “a farce” before abruptly being muted, allegedly by an ABC intern who whispered, *“Don’t say it, Whoopi, not again.”*
At college campuses in Texas and Florida, spontaneous rallies broke out where students chanted “TIME for Charlie!” while waving cardboard cutouts of the late activist. In Phoenix, Arizona, mourners projected Kirk’s face onto the side of the state capitol dome, accompanied by Kid Rock’s *My Brother Charlie* on loop.
Even high schools are getting in on the action. One Oklahoma principal reported that 400 students wore “TIME for Charlie” shirts on picture day, forcing the yearbook committee to scrap its original layout.
Corporations, sensing the political energy, are racing to cash in. Starbucks briefly tested a “Kirkaccino” before pulling it after Jimmy Kimmel tweeted about it. Chick-fil-A, on the other hand, leaned in, offering free nuggets to anyone who could prove they signed the petition. Sales skyrocketed.
Meanwhile, Bud Light, still reeling from its last cultural fiasco, tried to sponsor the petition but was politely told by organizers, “Not this time.”
Analysts are struggling to contextualize the sheer volume of signatures. For perspective, the petition now has more support than the entire population of Spain. CNN, reluctantly covering the story, quipped: “If democracy worked this way, we’d all be ruled by Minions 3.”
Fox News, meanwhile, devoted an entire primetime special titled *“50 Million Patriots Can’t Be Wrong.”* Tucker Carlson, guest hosting, called it “the single greatest act of grassroots democracy in human history, possibly since Moses came down with the tablets.”
Leaked mockups suggest that if Charlie Kirk were chosen, the cover might feature his image superimposed on Mount Rushmore, with the caption: *“The Patriot We Lost, The Legacy We Keep.”* Another option includes Kid Rock strumming a guitar beneath the words: *“Charlie Lives Through Us.”*
Critics note this would mark the first time TIME’s Person of the Year cover looks more like a campaign poster than a magazine. Supporters shrug: “History demands it.”
At its heart, the petition underscores America’s strange, meme-fueled democracy, where the digital crowd can elevate causes overnight—whether it’s free breadsticks at Olive Garden or nominating a slain activist for global recognition.
For TIME, the decision looms: do they bow to public pressure, or risk the wrath of 50 million signatures (and counting)? Already, conspiracy theorists warn that if Kirk isn’t chosen, the count will mysteriously vanish overnight, like “votes in Arizona.”
As the signature tally races upward—organizers predict it could top 100 million before year’s end—Kid Rock has teased a livestream concert tied to the campaign. Elon Musk announced that X (formerly Twitter) will feature a “Sign for Charlie” button at login, ensuring every user has the chance to participate.
Whether TIME ultimately crowns Charlie Kirk Person of the Year or not, one thing is certain: the sheer force of the petition has cemented his cultural footprint.
And if the magazine resists? Well, as Tucker Carlson warned, “TIME may find itself canceled—by time itself.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
