In a chaotic scene that shattered the typically drab procedural malaise of the New York State Assembly, the scheduled swearing-in of Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani (D-Astoria) was abruptly canceled Tuesday. The ceremony ground to a halt after Mamdani, a prominent member of the Democratic Socialists of America, reportedly refused to place his hand on the U.S. Constitution, citing “foundational concerns” and “problematic font choices.”
The incident, which has already sent legal scholars and cable news bookers into a state of frenzied delirium, occurred just moments after the opening gavel. As the Assembly Clerk, a 40-year veteran named Gary Blevins, approached Mamdani with the chamber’s official, leather-bound copy of the Constitution—a tome described by witnesses as “reassuringly heavy” and “smelling of old laws”—Mamdani politely, but firmly, recoiled.
“He just… held up his hands, like Gary was offering him a gluten-free muffin he didn’t want,” said a visibly shaken intern who witnessed the exchange. “There was a sound. A gasp. Someone in the back dropped a stapler. It was pandemonium.”
According to transcripts, Clerk Blevins, whose job for four decades has consisted entirely of holding the book and pointing to the signature line, was left momentarily paralyzed. “Sir,” Blevins was heard whispering, his microphone picking up the tremble. “You have to… you know… touch the history.”
Mamdani, known for his sharp suits and sharper critiques of late-stage capitalism, reportedly shook his head. “I thank you for the offer, Gary, but I cannot, in good conscience, pledge my fidelity to a document that has not yet undergone a full restorative justice audit. Furthermore, it explicitly fails to mention high-speed rail, rent control, or the inherent dignity of the bodega cat.”
As a parliamentary black hole began to open in the center of the room, Mamdani attempted to remedy the situation. He reached into an ethically-sourced canvas tote bag and produced a 74-page, spiral-bound document.
“I am, however, fully prepared to be sworn in on this,” Mamdani announced, holding aloft the text. “This is the ‘Astoria-Long Island City Community Accords and Non-Binding Governance Framework,’ Draft 4.B, with amendments from the sub-committee on equitable park bench distribution.”
Clerk Blevins, reportedly turning an ashen white, examined the document. “Sir… this appears to be a consensus document from a DSA meeting. Section 3 just says ‘Vibe Check’ and is followed by three pages of suggested snack rotations.”
“Precisely,” Mamdani replied. “It was ratified by a 7-person supermajority, with one abstention for a bathroom break. It is a living, breathing document, unlike that,” he allegedly gestured toward the Constitution, “which, frankly, is giving deeply problematic ‘parchment’ energy.”
The reaction was immediate and polarized.
Assembly Minority Leader William Barclay (R-Pulaski), was seen turning an apoplectic shade of magenta. “This is an outrage! An affront to the flag, the eagle, and the sacred concept of holding things!” Barclay shouted to a nearby C-SPAN camera. “This is the endpoint of socialism! First, they come for your gas stoves, then they come for your oaths! What’s next? Swearing in on a copy of Das Kapital? A half-eaten avocado toast? This is Albany, not a drum circle!”
Several of Mamdani’s moderate Democratic colleagues looked on, visibly uncomfortable. “Look, we all love Zohran’s passion,” whispered one unidentified Assemblywoman from a swing district. “But couldn’t he just do the oath and then deconstruct the foundational pillars of the republic? We had a ribbon-cutting for a new yogurt shop scheduled.”
The chamber was plunged into a procedural crisis. Speaker Carl Heastie frantically consulted the Assembly’s rulebook, which, according to aides, has no contingency for a member preferring a “community accord” to the supreme law of the land.
“The rules clearly state the oath must be administered on the Constitution,” a flustered Heastie told the press. “It doesn’t say which constitution, but we’ve always assumed… you know… the main one.”
After a 45-minute recess filled with frantic phone calls to constitutional lawyers—most of whom reportedly just laughed and hung up—the session was indefinitely postponed.
Mamdani later held an impromptu press conference on the steps of the Capitol, flanked by supporters holding signs that read “Oaths Are A Construct” and “Gary, Respect The Vibe Check.”
“This is not a refusal to serve. This is a refusal to perform fealty to a text that was authored without a single land acknowledgment,” Mamdani explained. “My oath is to the people of Astoria—to the delivery workers, the artists, the families paying 60% of their income in rent. It is not to a document that uses the word ‘wherefore’ unironically. I am here to serve the people, not to participate in a historical cosplay event.”
When a reporter asked how he could function as a lawmaker within a system he wouldn’t swear to uphold, Mamdani smiled. “I’m not here to uphold the system; I’m here to lovingly, but firmly, ask it to check its privilege and begin the work of transformative self-reflection, preferably in a small group setting.”
By evening, the cable news chyrons told the story:
- FOX NEWS: MAMDANI SPITS ON CONSTITUTION, DEMANDS SWEARING-IN ON ‘COMMIE MANIFESTO,’ INSULTS FOUNDING FATHERS’ FONT.
- MSNBC: A BRAVE STAND? MAMDANI’S OATH PROTEST CHALLENGES THE VERY DEFINITION OF ‘SWEARING’ AND ‘ON.’
- CNN: (8-PANEL BOX) “ALBANY IN CHAOS”: LAW PROFESSOR, DSA ORGANIZER, A VERY CONFUSED GARY BLEVINS, A GUY WHO BINDS BOOKS, AND ZOHRAN MAMDANI WEIGH IN.
As of press time, Mamdani’s seat remains empty, represented only by a “community-sourced art installation.” Legal experts remain baffled, stating that this is “uncharted territory” and “objectively hilarious, from a legal standpoint.”
Clerk Gary Blevins was last seen alone in the Assembly chamber, quietly polishing the Constitution with a soft cloth, muttering, “In my day, we just used a Bible. It was simpler.”
