Primanti Bros.

Satire

Primanti Bros Shuts Down All Locations in Red States, Says “That’s Not the America We Want”

In a bold and unexpected move, Primanti Bros, the iconic Pittsburgh-based sandwich chain, has announced the closure of all of its franchises in red states. The company’s decision was accompanied by a powerful statement: “That’s not the America we want.” This declaration has set off a firestorm of reactions, with people debating the intersection of […]

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Primanti Bros. JD Vance
Satire

Primanti Bros. Loses $50 Million and 10 Major Sponsors Amid Boycott: “They’re Toast”

In what can only be described as the ultimate sandwich scandal of the century, Primanti Bros., the beloved Pittsburgh-based eatery known for its famous fries-on-everything sandwiches, has found itself facing an unprecedented boycott that has resulted in a staggering $50 million in losses. To make matters worse, 10 of its major sponsors have pulled out, […]

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Primanti Bros. Manager
Satire

Primanti Bros. Sues Manager Who Refused to Serve J.D. Vance for $10 Million

In a bizarre twist that no one saw coming—except, perhaps, those who have watched politics blend with fast food—Primanti Bros. has filed a $10 million lawsuit against the manager who refused to serve Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance at their North Versailles location. What started as a simple “no entry” has now snowballed into a […]

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Primanti Bros. JD Vance Loss
Satire

Primanti Bros. Loses Almost $20 Million Overnight Due to Boycott

In what can only be described as the most disastrous culinary collapse since the Great Bacon Shortage of 2019, Pittsburgh’s iconic sandwich chain, Primanti Bros., has reportedly lost nearly $20 million overnight. The shocking financial hit comes as a result of a rapidly spreading boycott ignited by the controversial barring of Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. […]

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JD Vance and Primanti Bros.
Satire

Primanti Bros. Loses 3 Major Sponsors After J.D. Vance Fallout: “No Sandwiches, No Sponsors”

In the latest twist of the Primanti Bros. saga, the beloved Pittsburgh sandwich chain has lost not just customers, but three major sponsors after its highly publicized refusal to let Republican vice-presidential nominee J.D. Vance enter one of their restaurants. What began as an incident involving a politician and a famous sandwich has spiraled into […]

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Primanti Bros JD Vance
Satire

Primanti Bros. Shuts Down 10 Prime Locations Amid Boycott Backlash Following J.D. Vance Fallout

In what can only be described as a sandwich-sized disaster, Pittsburgh’s beloved Primanti Brothers has closed the doors on 10 of its prime locations, succumbing to the mounting pressure from a rapidly growing boycott. What started as a small spat over a campaign stop involving Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance has snowballed into a […]

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