ABC Cancels The View TV Show, Replaces It With Charlie Kirk Tribute Show, “We’ve Had Enough of These Toxic Hens”
After decades of celebrities crying on Jimmy Kimmel and decades of hens clucking on The View, ABC executives have finally had enough. In a stunning announcement Monday, the network declared both shows canceled and unveiled their bold replacement: a daily Charlie Kirk tribute extravaganza titled For God and Ratings: The Charlie Kirk Hour. “Look, America […]
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Jason Aldean To Organize A Country Tour In Memory Of Charlie Kirk, “One Nation, One Flag”
Country singer Jason Aldean has never been accused of subtlety, and with his latest announcement, he doesn’t plan to start now. The Georgia-born performer revealed that his new One Nation, One Flag Tour will be dedicated entirely to the memory of Charlie Kirk, the conservative activist whose recent assassination has left right-wing circles scrambling for […]
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ABC Banishes Jimmy Kimmel for Life After Charlie Kirk Remarks: “He’s Our Hero”
In what media historians are already calling “the most dramatic corporate overreaction since New Coke,” ABC has permanently removed Jimmy Kimmel from the airwaves after the late-night host dared to make the gravest mistake in American broadcast history: suggesting that Charlie Kirk was not, in fact, a celestial being made of truth, patriotism, and founding […]
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“You Can’t Kill Free Speech”: Schools Nationwide Adopt New Slogan to Honor Charlie Kirk
Across the United States, classrooms, gymnasiums, and even kindergarten cubbies are being redecorated with one bold proclamation: “You Can’t Kill Free Speech.” The phrase, chosen as the official slogan to honor the late conservative commentator Charlie Kirk, has become the centerpiece of a nationwide remembrance campaign. From the halls of Harvard to the playgrounds of […]
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Texas Mandates Charlie Kirk Statues on Every College Campus: “He’s Our Hero”
In a bold — and some would say baffling — step toward shaping the future of higher education, Texas lawmakers have passed legislation requiring every public college campus in the state to install a statue of late conservative commentator Charlie Kirk. The law, which Governor Greg Abbott signed with what witnesses described as “a grin […]
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NFL Declares Mandatory Moment of Silence for Charlie Kirk Before Every Game
The National Football League, long known for blending sports with spectacle, announced a new policy this week that every game in the 2025 season will begin with a mandatory moment of silence for recently deceased conservative commentator Charlie Kirk. League officials say the tribute is intended to “unite Americans in reflection,” though many fans suspect […]
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Elon Musk Drops $50 Million in Tribute to Fallen Ally Charlie Kirk, “He Was Like A Brother”
In a move that stunned both Wall Street analysts and political commentators, Elon Musk has pledged a $50 million donation to the family of the late conservative firebrand Charlie Kirk. Musk framed the act not as charity but as “a brother’s duty,” instantly transforming the narrative from billionaire eccentricity to billionaire eulogy. The announcement came […]
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Pride Month Budget Reallocated to Aid Homeless Veterans, Federal Officials Confirm
In a bold, controversial, and frankly astonishing move that has both rainbow flags and Twitter timelines in absolute shambles, the federal government has officially announced that all federal funding previously allocated to Pride Month events has been diverted to homeless veteran support organizations. That’s right. Instead of bankrolling parades, glitter-drenched drag shows, and government-sponsored rainbow […]
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Federal Magistrate Approves Elon Musk’s $150 Million Defamation Lawsuit Against Tim Walz: “Free Speech Doesn’t Mean Free Lies”
In a development that’s sending political shockwaves through Silicon Valley and the halls of Minnesota’s state government, a federal magistrate judge has officially approved Elon Musk’s $150 million defamation lawsuit against Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, setting the stage for what could be one of the most high-profile legal battles of the year. The Tesla and […]
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Elon Musk and DOGE Team Audit Ukraine Aid: ‘I’m Not Political, Just Doing What’s Right’
In yet another bold move that has left government officials scratching their heads, Elon Musk has announced that he and a team of blockchain experts—led by the ever-memeable Dogecoin community—will conduct a full audit of the billions sent to Ukraine in foreign aid. Musk, never one to shy away from controversy, stated, “I’m not political, […]
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