In a bold — and some would say baffling — step toward shaping the future of higher education, Texas lawmakers have passed legislation requiring every public college campus in the state to install a statue of late conservative commentator Charlie Kirk.
The law, which Governor Greg Abbott signed with what witnesses described as “a grin somewhere between pride and trolling,” has ignited celebrations among conservatives and groans from students who now fear they’ll have to walk past Kirk’s bronze likeness on their way to midterms.
“Charlie Kirk is not just a man — he is an idea,” Abbott declared at the signing ceremony. “And what better way to preserve an idea than with twelve feet of government-funded bronze staring at you while you skip class?”
The governor unveiled a mock-up: Kirk frozen mid-sentence, eyebrows raised, Constitution in hand, pointing skyward as if lecturing a freshman sociology major.
The law outlines strict specifications:
Each statue must be at least 10 feet tall.
Kirk must be depicted with “an aura of destiny and a posture of defiance.”
Optional design elements include cowboy boots, a longhorn steer, or a microphone engraved with “Truth.”
Every campus statue must also come equipped with a QR code that links directly to Turning Point USA’s YouTube channel.
The response among students was predictably divided.
At UT Austin, hundreds gathered with signs reading “Books Not Bronze” and “Stop Staring at Us, Charlie.” One junior in political science complained: “I didn’t even know who Charlie Kirk was until last semester. Now I have to write essays while his giant bronze head judges me? This is dystopia with Wi-Fi.”
But over at Texas A&M, students celebrated with a rally titled “Bronze the Patriot.” One agriculture major said, “We already honor football coaches with statues. Why not a guy who yelled at college kids for freedom?”
Faculty members were less enthusiastic. A professor at Rice University sighed: “I’ll be lecturing about civil rights while Kirk looms outside the window like a smug gargoyle.”
Others raised concerns about academic freedom. “If I assign Marx, will I be reported to the statue?” joked one sociology professor.
The project is expected to cost Texas taxpayers around $300 million, funded by reallocating money from campus libraries and research grants.
“Some people asked why we’re cutting library budgets,” Abbott explained. “But honestly, who needs libraries when you can get wisdom from bronze?”
Corporate sponsors have eagerly stepped in. Buc-ee’s pledged to polish the statues weekly, and Whataburger announced a limited edition Freedom Burger meal deal for students who post selfies with the statues.
The news spread quickly across the nation.
Donald Trump praised the law, calling it “the greatest statue deal in history,” while Florida Governor Ron DeSantis hinted at adding his own plan for “Ben Shapiro busts” across campuses.
Meanwhile, Democrats criticized the move as wasteful. Senator Elizabeth Warren tweeted: “Texas can afford 50 Charlies, but not affordable textbooks. That tells you everything.”
Even Elon Musk chimed in, promising to 3D-print Kirk statues using recycled SpaceX rocket parts: “Nothing says free speech like a statue that doesn’t blink.”
The Kirk family released a statement applauding Texas’s decision, saying Charlie “always dreamed of being on campus permanently — preferably larger than life and impossible to ignore.”
They hinted at expanding the project to private colleges, offering “discount bronze packages” for universities willing to join voluntarily.
Colleges are already preparing for the installations. Freshman orientation at Texas Tech now includes a module on “Statue Etiquette,” warning students not to climb Kirk’s shoulders or hang protest banners from his arm.
Baylor University announced plans to hold candlelight vigils at its statue every Friday, while Texas State University will integrate the monument into its mascot parade, placing Kirk between the marching band and the cheerleaders.
Civil liberties groups slammed the plan, calling it government overreach. “This isn’t about honoring history,” one critic said. “It’s about turning campuses into conservative theme parks.”
Memes spread like wildfire online, with photoshopped images of Kirk statues holding Whataburgers, blocking traffic, or replacing the Statue of Liberty. One viral post simply read: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses… but only after they salute Charlie.”
Political analysts say the initiative represents a growing trend of states elevating ideological figures into near-mythical status. “It used to be that statues honored presidents or civil rights leaders,” one commentator observed. “Now it’s podcasters and pundits. At this rate, we’ll have a Joe Rogan obelisk in Colorado by 2030.”
As the signing ceremony ended, Abbott delivered one last line, standing proudly in front of a 15-foot test statue:
“Charlie Kirk was our hero, and heroes deserve to be eternal. Students may forget their homework, but they will never forget the bronze gaze of Charlie watching over them.”
And so, Texas entered a new era of higher education — one in which every cafeteria, quad, and library must coexist with the watchful eyes of a man immortalized in metal, forever pointing toward freedom, or maybe just toward the nearest Chick-fil-A.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
